I haven't really got time for this, I have 15 more drawings to do for tomorrow morning and I have a hard time spending less than an hour on each of them, but at the same time I can't draw forever and I know I have to do SOMETHING productive in between. It shouldn't be too tough to pump this sucker out, since I wrote it up on paper first since it was originally "just a few thoughts while my computer is off." With that in mind, this blog entry goes by my motto for writing: "everything always sounds more poetic in your head." Now to business.

Ultimately, I am proud of who I am. I am proud of the fact that I don't change for other people. I am even proud of who I am not. At the same time, while I like what I'm about, I still wish I had a few more things to define me so that I might have even more depth and interest. This is tough because it's not easy to pick up cool new things when I'm already behind in the things I do. It has always saddened me that I cannot do everything.

One of the big things I wish I could add to my repertoire would be to travel on an amazing abroad/service project/anything to another country...But I can't afford it. I also wish I could volunteer, but again: I can't afford it. To take that kind of time off from work or the time I spend relaxing between jobs would be impossible. I really wish my situation didn't limit my options. I know all of this sounds horrible because, even with the lost time and wages, I would still be better off than the people I would be helping as a volunteer. Ultimately I'm young, busy, and I worry a lot about my future. Meanwhile, that could be called selfish. Good intentions about volunteering count for nothing.

Community service aside, I know that what makes people cool are the cool/unique things they do, and what makes those things "unique" is the fact that few people are able to (or brave enough to) do them. By definition, I shouldn't feel so bad for not doing unique things, because if many people could do them, they wouldn't be unique. Kind of an impossibility for the entire world - and what would make me so special that I should be the exception?

Still, I know people with less cash than I and that didn't stop them from going abroad. This means it's not the money that's stopping me. Ultimately what's keeping me back is my cautiousness...although...I suppose the aforementioned people aren't saving up for their weddings...well, that sounds like an excuse, the point is that I have to not be afraid of taking risks or screwing up.

After watching Little Miss Sunshine last weekend, I'm reminded that I have been wanting to do something I can be recognized for. This is more of a quandary than it may seem. Ultimately, as human beings, we need validation from others. Still, we shouldn't compromise ourselves and our desires to fit the standards of others. So...what happens if your desire is to be recognized by others? This puts me in a moral battle with myself. Society has always told us not to care about what others think (despite what they REALLY say through the media and under their breath), so go ahead and do what we want - but in doing so we deny our desire to be idolized. It's a lose/lose situation, one is always denying his or her desires.

I try to brainstorm ways to make my future children's lives better adjusted/accepting than mine. This means I'll have to find an answer to my questions some day. That's probably why I reflect on my own life so much. The easy solution for this particular problem would be to just eliminate the desire to be in the spotlight, but in my opinion that's still compromising your goals.

Speaking of my shortcomings, events have transpired lately to make me intolerant of certain people (I guarantee they would not be the same people reading this blog) and I don't even feel guilty about feeling this way or having not patience. In fact, I'm proud myself for rising about the rat race and not succumbing to their ridiculous ass-kiss fest. This is probably wrong of me. Perhaps that's the thought I'll analyze another time.

Back to the topic at hand, I can't think of how to stop from caring what other people think, those same other people are the people who decide what awards, scholarships, or attention I get. I'm not quite ready to stick it to the man and start living purely for myself. Well, I shouldn't say that, I do live for myself; I've got a strong sense of priority and naturally what I want always comes first in the grand scheme of my own decision making (lol is that good or bad?) and then I factor other people's opinions into the process when I ought to. What I mean to say is, I haven't quite crossed the line into camping out like a hippie - refusing to do something because it's harmful to the progression of the human race no matter how badly I actually want to do it (like not eating meat for the animals' sake, boycotting major chain stores to fight for the little man, or not wearing make-up in an attempt for equality between the sexes).

I figure when I get old enough the answers will just come to me. I'll have all of the answers, in fact. Either that or I'll be able to settle with not knowing and I won't judge people either. Strange as it sounds, I really think that will happen. Unfortunately, suffering is one of the only ways to truly learn.

We all have problems we can change, problems we can't, and problems that crop up on a daily basis. Ultimately I think my problem set is one I can handle and one I would choose for myself, given the opportunity. This will sound hokey, but the other night I was lying in bed thoughtlessly singing "It's Not Easy Being Green." As my mind drifted over the word green, I thought, "Hey, I like green. If I had a color, it would be green." As I put the idea of me being green into the context of the song, it struck me that the song pertains to me more than I'd thought. It goes beyond fables that tell kids they should just be themselves no matter what the context and everything will be fine. It delves into shortcomings and the static qualities of reality, but still makes it okay to really like yourself and choose to embrace your identity. This entry may not have been very profound for you, but it represents something very important to me so I enjoyed writing it. Even the song may have sounded obvious to you and you may not be as touched by the thought as I was, but for me a favorite kids' song showed truth and reason, even though I assumed for 20 years that it was just being cliche.

"When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful
And I think it's what I want to be"

I wonder if Jim Henson thought the same about himself.

Labels: Me, philosophy