THE MIKADO LIBRETTO

THE TOWN OF TITIPU

THE MIKADO OF JAPAN

NANKI-POO (his Son, disguised as a wandering minstrel, and in love with Yum-Yum)

KOKO (Lord High Executioner of Titipu)

POOH-BAH (Lord High Everything Else)

PISH-TISH (a Noble Lord)

GO-TO (a Noble lord)

Three Sisters, Wards of Ko-Ko:

YUM-YUM

PITTI-SING

PEEP-BO

KATISHA (an elderly Lady, in love with Nanki-Poo

Chorus of School-girls, Nobles, and GuardsP>

ACT I.—Courtyard of Ko-Ko’s Official Residence.

ACT II.— Ko-Ko’s Garden
First produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 14, 1885.

This “production” of The Mikado is one you may never see performed on any stage, but it is The Mikado I would very much like to see staged. I did, indeed, borrow bits and pieces from other productions I have seen in other times and places, but many of the stage directions are from my own interpretation, my own imagination. Therefore, anything you see in red is purely interpretive and should be taken as such. I hope you enjoy my little version.

SCENE.—Courtyard of Ko-Ko’s Palace in Titipu. Japanese nobles discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested by native drawings.

(The first Act traditionally takes place in a Japanese castle courtyard, but there is no reason why modern productions cannot be "opened up”, with the use of insert pieces. I have offered some suggestions.

Gilbert did not at any time use the word “samurai”, but since the male chorus all wore swords in the original production, this is clearly what they are meant to be. They should all be very serious-looking fellows without a shred of humor about them. Their dance and movement are caricatures of samurai posturings from movies.)

CHORUS OF NOBLES.

If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of Japan:
On many a vase and jar—
On many a screen and fan,
We figure in lively paint:
Our attitude’s queer and quaint—
You’re wrong if you think it ain’t, oh!

If you think we are worked by strings,
Like a Japanese marionette,
You don’t understand these things:
It is simply Court etiquette.
Perhaps you suppose this throng
Can’t keep it up all day long?
If that’s your idea, you’re wrong, oh!

Enter Nanki-Poo in great excitement. He carries a native guitar on his back and a bundle of ballads in his hand.

(A “native guitar” is evidently a samisen, and Nanki-Poo is selling rolls of sheet music, or perhaps haiku. However, he is also carrying a brass trombone under one arm, and wears a large hat woven of straw that barely covers his eyes, a typical kabuki costume piece for a disguised person of importance. Nanki-Poo is very young, perhaps 19 or 20 years old, full of enthusiasm for everything, and he is currently completely lovesick and reckless. It is tempting to play him as a stock romantic tenor hero, but that would not do him justice. He can be a little bit obnoxious at times, and his innocent exterior hides a cunning and clever nature.)

RECIT.— NANKI-POO.

NANKI.
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me
Where a gentle maiden dwelleth,
Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko?
In pity speak, oh speak I pray you!

A NOBLE. (Pish-Tush, in many productions - but in this case, I would suggest Goto as the best person to deliver the line.)
Why, who are you who ask this question?
NANKI. (Nanki grins, puts down his trombone, and takes center stage.)
Come gather round me, and I’ll tell you.

SONG and CHORUS—NANKI-POO.

A wandering minstrel I—
A thing of shreds and patches,
Of ballads, songs and snatches,
And dreamy lullaby!
My catalogue is long,
Through every passion ranging,
And to your humours changing
I tune my supple song!

(Nanki-Poo, who has been stolling among the samurai, brings out a rolled up sheet and passes to around. Most of the samurai are disinterested, though two or three of them seem quite able to relate to the weepy love song.)

Are you in sentimental mood?
I’ll sigh with you,
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
On maiden’s coldness do you brood?
I’ll do so, too—
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
I’ll charm your willing ears
With songs of lovers’ fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew—
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!

(One or two samurai start openly, loudly weeping--to the obvious annoyance of the others. Nanki-Poo swiftly changes the tempo to something more “appropriate”.)

But if patriotic sentiment is wanted,
I’ve patriotic ballads cut and dried;
For where’er our country’s banner may be planted,
All other local banners are defied!
Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled,
Never quail—or they conceal it if they do—
And I shouldn’t be surprised if nations trembled
Before the mighty troops of Titipu!

(This is more to their liking! They are now enjoying the song, and many copies are passed around.)

CHORUS.
We shouldn’t be surprised, etc.

NANKI.
And if you call for a song of the sea,
We’ll heave the capstan round,
With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free,
Her anchor’s a-trip and her helm’s a-lee,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!

CHORUS.
Yeo-ho—heave ho—
Hurrah for the homeward bound!

NANKI.
To lay aloft in a howling breeze
May tickle a landsman’s taste,
But the happiest hour a sailor sees
Is when he’s down
At an inland town,
With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho!
And his arm around her waist!

(The mood is now positively enthusiastic. They dance, they cavort, they flash their swords, they toss coins at the singer.)

CHORUS.
Then man the capstan—off we go,
As the fiddler swings us round,
With a yeo heave ho,
And a rum below,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!

(It is at this point that Pish-Tush arrives, watching in stunned silence. One by one the samurai spot him, and swiftly tone down their song and dance. With much bowing, they harmonize the last chorus with Nanki-Poo, then slip offstage with what remains of their dignity. Only Goto remains behind, and he falls in line with Pish-Tush.)

NANKI.& CHORUS.
A wandering minstrel I, etc.

Enter Pish-Tush.

(Pish-Tush is a samurai, and he has been on stage since the curtain opened. Despite the wimpy name, he is clearly a man in charge, like a captain of the guard, and is even more humorless than the chorus of samurai, if that can be imagined. He is also the handsomest man around, though he takes no notice of it for himself. His assistant, Goto, is almost always in his shadow. There is a third samurai entering from the back, but he does not speak. Instead, he is working his way downstage, past the chorus, more concerned with the coins on the ground, which he stoops and gathers up, shoving them into his sleeves - not forgetting, of course, to occasionally bite a suspicious-looking coin.)

SONG—PISH-TUSH and CHORUS.

PISH
Our great Mikado, virtuous man,
When he to rule our land began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young men might best be steadied.

So he decreed, in words succinct,
That all who flirted, leered or winked
(Unless connubially linked),
Should forthwith be beheaded.

And I expect you’ll all agree
That he was right to so decree.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right as right can be!

CHORUS.
And you are right.
And we are right, etc.

PISH
. This stem decree, you’ll understand,
Caused great dismay throughout the land!
For young and old
And shy and bold
Were equally affected.
The youth who winked a roving eye,
Or breathed a non-connubial sigh,
Was thereupon condemned to die—
He usually objected.

And you’ll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And everything is quite correct!

CHORUS.
And you are right,
And we are right, etc.

PISH.
And so we straight let out on bail
A convict from the county jail,
Whose head was next
On some pretext
Condemned to be mown off,
And made him Headsman, for we said,
“Who’s next to be decapited
Cannot cut off another’s head
Until he’s cut his own off.”

And we are right, I think you’ll say,
To argue in this kind of way;
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right—too-looral-lay!

CHORUS.
And you are right,
And we are right, etc.

[Exeunt Chorus.]

Enter Pooh-Bah.
(Pooh-Bah is, in fact, already onstage.)

NANKI. (This seems more than Nanki-Poo can believe!) Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of Titipu! Why, that’s the highest rank a citizen can attain!

POOH. It is. (Pooh-Bah, the samurai who has been picking up Nanki-Poo’s coins, now comes forward to speak. He is an enormous man--both tall and fat, and highly imposing. He has a snobbish upper-class voice and a nose seemed designed to look down over, which he does often. He looks down at Koko with impunity, and looks down on Nanki-Poo even more. He is of indeterminate age, perhaps in his forties or fifties, but it is unclear. His two swords identify his true social status, but while he may technically be a samurai, he may be said to have destroyed "Bushido" single-handedly, without help from anyone.) Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral difference between the dignified judge who condemns a criminal to die, and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his own executioner.

NANKI. (In awe, of course - but with an edge of irony and sarcasm in his voice all the same.) But how good of you (for I see that you are a nobleman of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to me, a mere strolling minstrel!

POOH. (The irony goes right over his head.) Don’t mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. (He pauses, looks at Nanki-Poo’s gaping smile, and becomes slightly defensive.) I can’t help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride continually. (This is, of course, also for Pish-Tush and Goto’s benefit.) When all the great officers of State resigned in a body because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did I not unhesitatingly accept all their posts at once?

PISH. (Nods, actually impressed by Pooh-Bah's "humility".) And the salaries attached to them? You did.

POOH. (With a profound, martyred sigh.) It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do it! It revolts me, but I do it!

NANKI. And it does you credit. (Nanki-Poo hands Pooh-Bah a couple of coins he missed. Pooh-Bah takes them without a thought, actually bowing with a brief nod of thanks.)
POOH. But I don’t stop at that. I go and dine with middle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands, however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure. For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum would come under the head of a State secret. (Nanki-Poo takes his hint, and gives him money.) (Clearly disappointed. He was expecting more.)
Another insult and, I think, a light one!

SONG—POOH-BAH with NANKI-POO and PISH-TUSH.

POOH.
Young man, despair,
Likewise go to,
Yum-Yum the fair
You must not woo.
It will not do:
I’m sorry for you,
You very imperfect ablutioner!

(Rather contemptuously, brushes dirt from Nanki-Poo’s torn sleeve with the end of his fan. He won’t touch such humble cloth!)

This very day
From school Yum-Yum
Will wend her way,
And homeward come,
With beat of drum
And a rum-tum-tum,
To wed the Lord High executioner!
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day.
She’ll toddle away, as all aver,
With the Lord High Executioner.

(For all his pretended reserve, there is a secret side to Pooh-Bah, and he seems quite eager for the big wedding. Nanki-Poo, on the other hand, grows increasingly downcast. They enact the marching band.)

NANKI and POOH.
And the brass will crash, etc.

POOH.
It’s a hopeless case,
As you may see,
And in your place
Away I’d flee;
But don’t blame me—
I’m sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner.
They’ll vow their pact
Extremely soon,
In point of fact
This afternoon.
Her honeymoon
With that buffoon
At seven commences, so you shun her!

ALL.
And the brass will crash, etc.

[Exit Pish-Tush.]

(Despite the directions, Pish-Tush and Goto remain on stage.)

RECIT.—NANKI-POO and POOH-BAH.

(Nanki-Poo is disappointed, even devastated.)
NANKI.
And I have journeyed for a month, or nearly,
To learn that Yum-Yum, whom I love so dearly,
This day to Ko-Ko is to be united!

POOH. (For Pooh-Bah, this is the nearest thing to sympathy he can give.)
The fact appears to be as you’ve recited:
But here he comes, equipped as suits his station;
He’ll give you any further information.

[Exeunt Pooh-Bah and Nanki-Poo.]

(Pooh-Bah and Nanki-Poo do NOT exit, but stand aside, very much out of the way. The samurai chorus enters at this point, and make a formation outside the large door, leading from the palace to the courtyard. Pish-Tush and Goto stand at the ends of the line, closest to the audience.)

Enter Chorus of Nobles.

(This is clearly going to be a grand entrance, and is sung as full of pomp and circumstance as possible as they prepare to recieve the new daimyo...)

CHORUS
Behold the Lord High Executioner
A personage of noble rank and title--
A dignified and potent officer,
Whose functions are particularly vital!
Defer, defer,
To the Lord High Executioner!

(...and then along comes Koko! As if to contradict all the build-up we’ve had until now, he is a very short man with enormous, thick spectacles, and looks (more or less) like the sort of person who might have once been picked on by schoolyard bullies--but then again, maybe not. Koko can usually take care of himself. He is of indeterminate age, perhaps mid to late thirties, but then again, perhaps not. In his natural habitat, he would be well-dressed and meticulous to the point of fussiness. However, he is not in his own environment, but is instead a fish out of water. He is wearing an official uniform of sorts, consisting of a lacquered hat and a thick, black coat with heraldic “mon” on it. The coat, however, is several sizes too large, having belonged to a previous owner. He ought to be wearing a pair of samurai swords, as he has--in fact--been elevated to samurai status, himself. More specifically, he is a daimyo - a lord. He also wears one particularly long sword in a red scabbard, sticking very awkwardly out of his obi, with a large red-and-gold tassel on the end. He stands at the top of the stairs surveying all below him, with an enormous, cheerful grin, even though he clearly does not quite know what is expected of him. Above all other things, Koko is an eternal optimist. He has to be.

There is a ceremonial attendant behind him, carrying a large black and white cerimonial axe. He is usually a boy. The tradition of Koko's axe was started in the 1920's, and is actually based on an old kabuki emblem.)

Enter Koko attended.

SOLO—KOKO.

(This song is directed toward the audience.)

Taken from the county jail
By a set of curious chances;
Liberated then on bail,
On my own recognizances;
Wafted by a favouring gale
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances;
Surely, never had a male
Under such like circumstances
So adventurous a tale,
Which may rank with most romances.

(He descends the steps--and trips over the long sword, which sends him sprawling. He picks himself up swiftly and regains his composure.)

CHORUS.
Defer, defer,
To the Lord High Executioner, etc.

(These samurai are supposed to be loyal to the death to their master, who is Koko - but this bunch clearly regards him as beneath them. Pish-Tush barks a sharp reminder to them before they bow in a more respectful manner. Koko is well aware of this, but it is also painfully obvious that he is not used to having samurai bow to him instead of the other way around Koko has a humble streak that continually pushes itself through, even when he tries to sound on top of things.)
KOKO. Gentlemen, I’m much touched by this reception. I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to deserve. If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, (spoken in such a way that the samurai behave a bit more respectfully) I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large.

SONG—KOKO with CHORUS.

(Smiling smugly, Koko pulls a paper list out of the folds of his sleeve. It is a long list that seems to go on and on...
This famous song has had its lyrics altered both officially and unofficially over the years. Despite a few referrences obscurred by time, such as “banjo serenaders”--a nod to the annoying “blackfaced” minstrels popular in 1885--or the “lady novelist”-- a dig at female authors who even then were writing highly suggestive romance novels--the people on Koko’s list are universally recognizable.
It is also perfectly obvious that Koko, who dances gleefully around the stage, has no serious intention of acting on any of this.)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list—I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed—who never would be missed!
There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs—
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs—
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with ’em flat—
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that—
And all third persons who on spoiling tête-à-têtes insist—
They’d none of ’em be missed—they’d none of ’em be missed!

CHORUS.
He’s got ’em on the list—he’s got ’em on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed—they’ll none of ’em be missed.

KOKO.
There’s the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist—I’ve got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed—they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And who “doesn’t think she waltzes, but would rather like to try”;
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist--
I don’t think she’d be missed—I’m sure she’d not he missed!

CHORUS.
He’s got her on the list—he’s got her on the list;
And I don’t think she’ll be missed—I’m sure she’ll not be missed!

KOKO.
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The Judicial humorist—I’ve got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life—
They’d none of ’em be missed—they’d none of ’em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as—What d’ye call him—Thing’em-bob, and likewise—Never-mind,
And ’St—’st—’st—and What’s-his-name, and also You-know-who--
The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ’em be missed—they’d none of ’em be missed!

CHORUS.
You may put ’em on the list—you may put ’em on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed—they’ll none of ’em be missed!

(Led by Pish-Tush, the samurai all exit. Nanki-Poo also slinks offstage, having seen enough for the moment. As Koko stuggles to manage the sword, he stuffs away his list, Pooh-Bah sashays down front, startling Koko, who recovers himself with a laugh. He is in extremely good spirits, and claps a hand amiably on Pooh-Bah’s shoulder during the following dialog. Pooh-Bah contemptuously removes it.
For an interesing effect, a scenery insert is brought in behind them, suggesting a Japanese interior.)

Enter Pooh-Bah.

KOKO. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I ought to spend upon them.

POOH. (With a raised eyebrow.) Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?

KOKO. (With a cheerful shrug. He’s in an easy mood.) Suppose we say as Private Secretary.

POOH. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say that, as the city will have to pay for it, don’t stint yourself, do it well.

KOKO. Exactly—as the city will have to pay for it. That is your advice.

POOH. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due economy is observed.

KOKO. (Surprised.) Oh! But you said just now “Don’t stint yourself, do it well”.

POOH. As Private Secretary.

KOKO. (Puzzled.) And now you say that due economy must be observed.

POOH. As Chancellor of the Exchequer.

KOKO. I see. (He sees! But he’s not going to be put off.) Come over here, where the Chancellor can’t hear us. (They cross the stage.) (Now all is well! he is all cheer again.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you advise me to deal with this difficulty?

POOH. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying (Winks, clicks his cheek, puts a finger to his nose. ) “Chance it——”

KOKO. (Epervescently!) Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will.

POOH. If it were not that, (A melodramatic pause that catches koko up sharply.) as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound to see that the law isn’t violated.

KOKO. I see. ( Again, he sees! And he doesn’t like it.) Come over here where the Chief Justice can’t hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of the Treasury?

POOH. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could propose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were not that, as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster General, I could so cook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should never discover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own custody as first Commissioner of Police. (During this speech, Koko registers alternate joy and disappointment, until at the last he is clearly developing a headache.)
KOKO. That’s extremely awkward.

POOH. I don’t say that all these distinguished people couldn’t be squared; (Koko cautiously--very cautiously--rallies.) but it is right to tell you that they wouldn’t be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unless they were insulted with a very considerable bribe. (Once more, Koko “sees”. Pooh-Bah extends a palm, an unsubtle hint. Koko sighs and graps the hand in a handshake.)
KOKO. The matter shall have my careful consideration. (Points offstage, suddenly excited.) But my bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese attitude, would be esteemed a favour. (Koko demonstrates a gracious bow, but Pooh-Bah is squirming. For some reason, young girls do not sit well with him.)
POOH. (Glaring.) No money, no grovel!

(Pooh-Bah stalks off in a huff, exiting through the big doors upstage. Koko goes with him, but keeps looking backward in the opposite direction.)

[Exeunt together.]

Enter procession of Yum-Yum’s schoolfellows, heralding Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.

(The insert is removed and the lights come up. The stage set has changed to a garden, with a bridge upstage, suggesting that it crosses a pond. From the wings of the stage, a troop of Japanese girls enter, wearing the distinguishing wigs and costumes of Geisha and their younger apprentices, the Maiko. They carry silk or paper parasols, translucent in the light, and are quite delightful to look at, and it should resemble something from a travel poster.)

CHORUS OF GIRLS.

Comes a train of little ladies
From scholastic trammels free,
Each a little bit afraid is,
Wondering what the world can be!

Is it but a world of trouble—
Sadness set to song?
Is its beauty but a bubble
Bound to break ere long?

Are its palaces and pleasures
Fantasies that fade?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under,
From scholastic trammels free,
And we wonder—how we wonder!—
What on earth the world can be!

(Enter the Three little Maids. All three are dressed as pretty little teenage Maiko, all three are adorable and doll-like, and fresh from their Geisha training. It is unclear whether or not they are true sisters or “guild sisters” of the Geisha world, or both. The “chuckle” described below is more of a simpering giggle. It is my speculation that Yum-Yum is the eldest and Peep-Bo is the prettiest. But Pitti-Sing is the most fun.)

YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING, with CHORUS OF GIRLS.

THE THREE.
Three little maids from school are we,
Pert as a school-girl well can be,
Filled to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school!

YUM-YUM. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle.)

PEEP-BO. Nobody’s safe, for we care for none! (Chuckle.)

PITTI-SING. Life is a joke that’s just begun! (Chuckle.)

THE THREE. Three little maids from school!

ALL
(dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies’ seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary—

THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!
YUM-YUM. One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum—

PEEP-BO. Two little maids in attendance come—

PITTI-SING. Three little maids is the total sum.

THE THREE. Three little maids from school!

YUM-YUM. From three little maids take one away.

PEEP-BO. Two little maids remain, and they—

PITTI-SING. Won’t have to wait very long, they say—

THE THREE. Three little maids from school!

ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies’ seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary—

THE THREE
(suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!

Enter Ko-Ko and Pooh-Bah.

(Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush and Goto enter.Pooh-Bah walks slowly, cautiously, while Koko bounces in, all smiles and open arms. He has divested himself of the swords and the lacquered hat, and the black coat as well. As a tailor, he is also a clothes horse, and frequently changes costume. He is overjoyed and runs eagerly toward Yum-Yum, who shrieks daintily at his approach.)
KOKO. At last, my bride that is to be! (About to embrace her.)

YUM. (Suddenly VERY severe. She is almost warning him.) You’re not going to kiss me before all these people?

KOKO. (Crestfallen, but only for a moment.) Well, that was the idea.

YUM(aside to Peep-Bo). (Very catty.) It seems odd, doesn’t it?

PEEP. (Equally dry) It’s rather peculiar.

PITTI. (Pleasantly coaxing. She is always the thoughtful one.) Oh, I expect it’s all right. Must have a beginning, you know.

YUM. (Insincerely) Well, of course I know nothing about these things; but I’ve no objection if it’s usual.

KOKO. (Making the best of it) Oh, it’s quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain? (Appealing to Pooh-Bah.)

POOH. I have known it done. (Ko-Ko embraces her.) /font>(That is, he would if he dared. Koko is all smiles again, but rather timid about it as he sidles up to Yum-Yum. He would clearly like to do more, but he resigns himself to simply blowing her a kiss.)
YUM. Thank goodnessthat’s over! (Sees Nanki-Poo, and rushes to him.) (She literally pushes aside Koko--daintily--and hurries over to Nanki-Poo, who is actually surprised to find himself thus surrounded) Why, that’s never you? (The three Girls rush to him and shake his hands, all speaking at once.) (The following lines of the three girls are all spoken at the same time, very excitedly, and should end with all three voices in unison saying, “...come home for good, and we’re not going back any more!” It is funniest if they are playfully bouncing up and down as they speak, because Koko is doing the same thing in the background, jumping up and down with outrage and hurt feelings.)
YUM. Oh, I’m so glad! I haven’t seen you for ever so long, and I’m right at the top of the school, and I’ve got three prizes, and I’ve come home for good, and I’m not going back any more!

PEEP. And have you got an engagement?—Yum-Yum’s got one, but she doesn’t like it, and she’d ever so much rather it was you! I’ve come home for good, and I’m not going back any more!

PITTI Now tell us all the news, because you go about everywhere, and we’ve been at school, but, thank goodness, that’s all over now, and we’ve come home for good, and we’re not going back any more!

(These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.)

KOKO. (Loudly!) I beg your pardon. Will you present me? (The girls turn in unison toward him, speaking rapidly in the same breath...)
YUM. Oh, this is the musician who used—

PEEP. Oh, this is the gentleman-who used—

PITTI. Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used—

KOKO. (Clasping his ears, he cries out...) One at a time, if you please.

YUM. Oh, if you please he’s the gentleman who used to play so beautifully on the—on the—

PITTI. On the Marine Parade.

YUM. Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument. (Yum-Yum is not terribly bright, either.)
NANKI. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, Yum-Yum— (Koko notices nanki-Poo for the first time, and is stunned by his words. Nanki-Poo hastily bows.) oh, I know I deserve your anger!

KOKO. (Koko is taken aback, but he isn’t angry. He shrugs, smiles, folds his hands, and bows.) Anger! not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself. Charming little girl, isn’t she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking little thing, altogether. (During all this, they have been exchanging bows to the point of absurdity, all the while studying each other.) Very glad to hear my opinion backed by a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye. (With a final bow, he calls for Pish-Tush, who has been exchanging glances with Peep-Bo: the hunk discovering the beauty.) (To Pish-Tush.) Take him away. (Pish-Tush removes him.) (Pish-Tush seizes Nanki-Poo by the seat of his pants and the scruff of his neck and escorts him offstage, complaining loudly. Goto follows.
While this is going on, Pooh-Bah has stood stiffly aside, and Pitti-Sing has discovered him. She is both amused and fascinated, for she has never seen such a person before in her life. She cannot resist picking up the long, trailing end of his trousers, and pulls a measuring tape from Koko’s obi, taking measurement of Pooh-Bah’s girth. Pooh-Bah stands in stony silence, staring at her, enduring the indignity.)
PITTI. (who has been examining Pooh-Bah) I beg your pardon, but what is this? Customer come to try on?

KOKO. That is a Tremendous Swell.

PITTI. (Pitti-Sing takes the end of her fan and pokes Pooh-Bah’s fat tummy. Pooh-Bah comes alive rather noisily.) Oh, it’s alive. (She starts back in alarm.)

POOH. (He waves them off impatiently, obviously wishing she would go away. They all start laughing.) Go away, little girls. Can’t talk to little girls like you. Go away, there’s dears.

KOKO. (Amused.) Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my three wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect.

POOH. (he almost seems afraid of them.) What do you want me to do to them? (Turns on Koko severely.) Mind, I will not kiss them.

KOKO. (Laughs indulgently.) No, no, you shan’t kiss them; a little bow—a mere nothing—you needn’t mean it, you know.

POOH. ( Irritated) It goes against the grain. (Very condescending.) They are not young ladies, they are young persons.

KOKO. Come, come, make an effort, there’s a good nobleman.

POOH. (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan’t mean it. (with a great effort.) How de do, little girls, how de do? (Aside.) (The girls laugh and clap with glee. Pooh-Bah simply groans in distress.) Oh, my protoplasmal ancestor!

KOKO. That’s very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed laughter.) (Koko is laughing with them.)
POOH. (Very defensive, and very high on his horse.) I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me to have to say “How de do, little girls, how de do?” to young persons. I’m not in the habit of saying “How de do, little girls, how de do?” to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker. (The girls laugher harder than ever. Again, Pitti-Sing pokes at his fat tummy with her fan.)
KOKO. (aside to girls). Don’t laugh at him, he can’t help it—he’s under treatment for it. (Aside to Pooh-Bah.) Never mind them, they don’t understand the delicacy of your position.

POOH. We know how delicate it is, don’t we?

KOKO. I should think we did! How a nobleman of your importance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall understand. (There is a curious hint of double entendre in this exchange, and Pooh-Bah grows increasingly uncomfortable, culminating with him making an angry gesture in Koko’s direction. Koko runs.)

[Ko-Ko retires and goes off.]

QUARTET AND CHORUS OF GIRLS

YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.

YUM, PEEP, and PITTI.
So please you, Sir, we much regret
If we have failed in etiquette
Towards a man of rank so high—
We shall know better by and by.

YUM.
But youth, of course, must have its fling,
So pardon us,
So pardon us,

PITTI.
And don’t, in girlhood’s happy spring,
Be hard on us,
Be hard on us,
If we’re inclined to dance and sing.
Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)

CHORUS OF GIRLS.
But youth, of course, etc.

(Pooh-Bah is so painfully intimidated by these young girls that his discomfort is almost a game for them. He is very huffy, but as the song concludes, is also softening up to them considerably..)

POOH.
I think you ought to recollect
You cannot show too much respect
Towards the highly titled few;
But nobody does, and why should you?
That youth at us should have its fling,
Is hard on us,
Is hard on us;
To our prerogative we cling—
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
If we decline to dance and sing.
Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)

CHORUS OF GIRLS.
But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc.

[Exeunt all but Yum-Yum.]

(As the others dance Pooh-Bah off the stage, she hangs back as if she’s lost something, that’s when Nanki-Poo slips in, minus his baskets and musical instruments. He calls to her in a loud stage whisper, getting her attention. She looks glad to see him, but with some degree of hesitation.)

Enter Nanki-Poo.

NANKI. Yum-Yum-- (Bounds towards her, takes her hands.) at last we are alone! I have sought you night and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian was beheaded, (Adds with disappointment,)and I find that you are about to be married to him this afternoon!

YUM. Alas, yes!

NANKI. But you do not love him?

YUM. Alas, no!

NANKI. (Greatly relieved!) Modified rapture! (But at the same time, a bit puzzled.) But why do you not refuse him?

YUM. (She shrugs daintily, but is also clearly annoyed.) What good would that do? He’s my guardian, and he wouldn’t let me marry you!

NANKI. But I would wait until you were of age!

YUM. (His "innocence" surprises her.) You forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at years of discretion until they are fifty.

NANKI. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered years of indiscretion.

YUM. (Snobbishly.) Besides—a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind instrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for the ward of a Lord High Executioner.

NANKI. But— (Aside.) Shall I tell her? Yes! She will not betray me! (Aloud.) (Folds his amrs, grins, waiting for her reaction.) What if it should prove that, after all, I am no musician?
YUM. There! I was certain of it, directly I heard you play!

NANKI. (Slightly annoyed.) What if it should prove that I am no other than the son of his Majesty the Mikado?

YUM. (She wants to believe him, and she accepts his story at face value.) The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness disguised? And what has your Highness done? And will your Highness promise never to do it again?

NANKI. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate Katisha, (Yum-Yum retracts her hands as if stung. Yum-Yum pouts jealously.) an elderly lady of my father’s Court. (Oh, that’s much better! Yum-Yum smiles again. Nanki-Poo continues, evasively.) She misconstrued my customary affability into expressions of affection, and claimed me in marriage, under my father’s law. My father, the Lucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to marry her within a week, or perish ignominiously on the scaffold. That night I fled his Court, and, assuming the disguise of a Second Trombone, I joined the band in which you found me when I had the happiness of seeing you! (Approaching her.)

YUM. (retreating). (She backs off with a delicate little cry.) If you please, I think your Highness had better not come too near. The laws against flirting are excessively severe.

NANKI. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us.

YUM. Still, that don’t make it right. To flirt is capital.

NANKI. (He grins hugely, and laughs a snorting laugh.) It is capital!

YUM. And we must obey the law.

NANKI. (Caution throwing to the wind!) Deuce take the law!

YUM. (Anxiously) I wish it would, but it won’t!

NANKI. (He sighs heavily, holding her hand.) If it were not for that, how happy we might be!

YUM. (Holding his other hand.) Happy indeed!

NANKI. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting side by side, like that.(Sits by her.)

YUM. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.)

NANKI. We should be gazing into each other’s eyes, like that.(Gazing at her sentimentally.)

YUM. Breathing sighs of unutterable love -- (They sigh, loudly and longingly.) —like that. (Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.)

NANKI. With our arms round each other’s waists, like that. (Embracing her.) (The scene has become incredibly cozy, almost torrid.)
YUM. (In a sudden, clipped voice.) Yes, if it wasn’t for the law.

NANKI. (His words almost swallow hers.) If it wasn’t for the law.

YUM. As it is, of course we couldn’t do anything of the kind.

NANKI. Not for worlds!

YUM. Being engaged to Ko-Ko, you know!

NANKI. Being engaged to Ko-Ko!
(Koko who?)

DUET—YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO.

(This is called the “Kissing Song”, for obvious reasons. It is punctuated throughout with amusing little smoochy kisses, never anything passionate, romatic, ot otherwise of any sexual nature. This is a “cute” moment, and should always be played as such.)

NANKI.
Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted,
I would say in tender tone,
“Loved one, let us be united—
Let us be each other’s own!”
I would merge all rank and station,
Worldly sneers are nought to us,
And, to mark my admiration,
I would kiss you fondly thus— (Kisses her.)

BOTH.
I/He would kiss you/me fondly thus— (Kiss.)

YUM.
But as I’m engaged to Ko-Ko,
To embrace you thus, con fuoco, Would distinctly be no giuoco,
And for yam I should get toko—

(Roughly interpreted, Yum-Yum is certan she will get such a scolding for misbehavior!)

BOTH.
Toko, toko, toko, toko!

NANKI.
So, In spite of all temptation,
Such a theme I’ll not discuss,
And on no consideration
Will I kiss you fondly thus— (Kissing her.)
Let me make it clear to you,
This is what I’ll never do!
This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this,—(Kissing her.)

TOGETHER.
This, oh, this, etc.

[Exeunt in opposite directions.]

(Nanki-Poo exits with a sad wave and a lowered head, Yum-Yum blows a kiss at his retreating form...)

Enter Ko-Ko.

(...and koko walks in just in time to catch her kiss, thinking it is meant for him. He bursts into a big, sunny smile, catching the kiss. She does not notice him as she departs.)
KOKO. (He is wearing yet another new outfit.) (looking after Yum-Yum). There she goes! To think how entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little parcel! Really, it hardly seems worth while! Oh, matrimony!— (Enter Pooh-Bah and Pish-Tush.) (Annoyed at their uninvited appearance.) Now then, what is it? Can’t you see I’m soliloquizing? (In a gentle, scolding manner.) You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir!

PISH. (Producing a rolled up scroll.) I am the bearer of a letter from his Majesty the Mikado.

KOKO. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from the Mikado! What in the world can he have to say to me? (Reads letter.) (Koko takes the scroll, but it has obviously already been unopened and read. He notices that Pooh-Bah is holding other bits of mail, and he snatches them protectively away from him. He gestures for the others to have a seat, then sits down, followed by Pish-Tush. He reads the letter, all the while Pooh-Bah is still trying to sit down. His great bulk does not allow him to do so easily, and when he finally hits the ground, he does so with a thud that causes Koko and Pish-Tush to “bounce”. Koko groans unhappily and drops his head into the letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come sooner or later! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions have taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that unless somebody is beheaded within one month the post of Lord High Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the rank of a village!

PISH. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin!

KOKO. Yes. There is no help for it, I shall have to execute somebody at once. The only question is, who shall it be? (Koko looks concerned, but Pooh-Bah and Pish-Yush slowly turn their faces towards him. Koko realizes they are staring at him a little too intensely for his liking.)
POOH. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you’re already under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point to you. (Pish-Tush has drawn his sword so that when Pooh-Bah says “...seems to point to you,” the point of the sword is rather close to Koko’s throat.)
POOH. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to comply with the Imperial will.

KOKO. (Controlled hysteria) No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. (Now trying to maintain his cool.) As official Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can’t consent to embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a successful result./font>
(Koko gets to his feet, and Pish-Tush follows him.)

POOH. (Also tries to rise, but again his bulk gets in the way.) This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position.

KOKO. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of (builds up from tense calm to a hysterical explosion.) cutting off his own head! (Somewhere between shrieks and hard breathing, gnaws furiously on his hand)

PISH.I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substitute —

KOKO. (Suddenly inspired.) A substitute? Oh, certainly — nothing easier.(To Pooh-Bah.) (With great ceremony, and a big emphasis on “...I appoint YEEEEEWWWWW Lord High....) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you Lord High Substitute.

POOH. (With the practicied caginess of any cornered politician.) I should be delighted. Such an appointment would realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition!

TRIO

(This is one of the cleverist songs in the play, and one that is also very difficult to perform, for it involves not only highly precise singing and ennunciation, but must also allow for comical stage directions, whcih can more or less be summed up thusly:
Koko makes pleading gestures to the others to do something to help him out of this mess, but neither care to put themselves out for him, either by being substitute victims or by coming up with a workable alternative plan.)

POOH
I am so proud,
If I allowed
My family pride
To be my guide,
I’d volunteer
To quit this sphere
Instead of you
In a minute or two,
But family pride
Must be denied,
And set aside,
And mortified.
And so,
Although
I wish to go,
And greatly pine
To brightly shine,
And take the line
Of a hero fine,
With grief condign
I must decline—
I must decline—
I must decline—
KOKO
My brain it teams
With endless schemes
Both good and new
For Titipu;
But if I flit,
The benefit
That I’d diffuse
The town would lose!
Now every man
To aid his clan
Should plot and plan
As best he can,
And so,
Although
I’m ready to go,
Yet recollect
’Twere disrespect
Did I neglect
To thus effect
This aim direct,
So I object—
So I object—
So I object—
PISH
I heard one day
A gentleman say
That criminals who
Are cut in two
Can hardly feel
The fatal steel,
And so are slain
Without much pain.
If this is true,
It’s jolly for you;
Your courage screw
To bid us adieu,
And go
And show
Both friend and foe
How much you dare.
I’m quite aware
It’s your affair,
Yet I declare
I’d take your share,
But I don’t much care—
I don’t much care—
I don’t much care—

ALL.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

[Exeunt Pooh. and Pish.]

(As they leave, Koko is left behind on a dark stage while an insert tree rolls on from the wings.)

KOKO.(Utterly miserable) This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my native town, am now required to die within a month,(Misery turns to outrage)and that by a man whom I have loaded with honours! Is this public gratitude? Is this— (Enter Nanki-Poo, with a rope in his hands.) Go away, sir! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize?

NANKI.(Almost casual about it as he studies the tree.) Oh, go on—don’t mind me.

KOKO.(Frowns, suddenly noticing Nanki-Poo’s curious behavior, and especially notices the hangman’s noose in his hands) What are you going to do with that rope?

NANKI.(An announcement) I am about to terminate an unendurable existence.

KOKO.(At first he thinks Nanki-Poo is joking, then realizes he isn’t!) Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for?

NANKI. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.

KOKO.(Genuinely appauled.) Nonsense, sir. I won’t permit it. I am a humane man, and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once or I summon my guard.

NANKI. That’s absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.
(He whips out a short sword, such as a samurai might carry, and removes it from the scabbard. Koko gives a loud cry of dismay and seizes his arm.)

KOKO. No, no, don’t do that. (Grabbing for the sword, Nanki-Poo snaps it back into the scabbard, and Koko yelps. He snatches back his arm and screams as his hand appears to be missing! He is greatly relieved a moment later when his hand comes out of his sleeve, still attached to his arm.)This is horrible! (Suddenly)(Incensed by his scare, Koko grabs the sword from Nanki-Poo and punctuates his angry words by shaking the blade in his face.) Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking your life, you are committing a crime which—which—which is——(Comes the dawn!)Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute!(Koko dances with new-found glee.)

NANKI. What’s the matter?

KOKO.(Whirls on Nanki-Poo) Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?

NANKI. Absolutely!

KOKO. Will nothing shake your resolution?

NANKI. Nothing.

KOKO. Threats, entreaties, prayers—all useless?

NANKI. All! My mind is made up.

KOKO.(Grinning) Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake your determination—(His grin is growing.)don’t spoil yourself by committing suicide, but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public Executioner!

NANKI. I don’t see how that would benefit me.

KOKO. You don’t? Observe:(Koko proves himself to be a very persuesive talker, for by the time this glorious presentation is done, Nanki-Poo is smiling, nodding, and in complete agreement.)you’ll have a month to live, and you’ll live like a fighting-cock at my expense. When the day comes there’ll be a grand public ceremonial—you’ll be the central figure—no one will attempt to deprive you of that distinction. There’ll be a procession—bands—dead march—bells tolling—all the girls in tears—Yum-Yum distracted—(A flicker of doubt starts to work its way across Nanki-Poo’s face)then, when it’s all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks in the evening. You won’t see them, but they’ll be there all the same.

NANKI. (Now he is bothered.) Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at my death?

KOKO.(Pats him reassuringly on the shoulder.) I am convinced of it. Bless you, she’s the most tender-hearted little creature alive.

NANKI. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe for a couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.

KOKO.(A little too eagerly. Nanki-Poo picks up on it.)Oh, I don’t think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily; and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?

NANKI.(Thoughtfully.) True.

KOKO.(A forced laugh, with more than a touch of his own feelings in it.) Life without Yum-Yum—why, it seems absurd!

NANKI. And yet there are a good many people in the world who have to endure it.

KOKO. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be of their number.

NANKI. (suddenly). I won’t be of their number!

KOKO.(His grin is simply enormous!)Noble fellow!

NANKI. I’ll tell you how we’ll manage it.(He now puts his arm over Koko’s shoulders.)Let me marry Yum-Yum to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me.

KOKO.(Koko’s huge grin vanishes into vehement denial.) No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum.

NANKI.(Cheerfully) Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I. (Preparing rope.) (He slings the rope over a tree branch, shoves his head into the noose, and starts hauling himself upward. Koko runs to stop him with a shriek, pulling him down literally to the ground.)

KOKO.(Gasping for air.)Stop, stop—listen one moment—(Regaining his calm--or trying to--he sits on Nanki-Poo’s chest and tries to sound like the Voice of Reason.) be reasonable. How can I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I’m going to marry her myself?

NANKI.(He wheezes for a few moments until Koko realizes that he is blocking Nanki’s breathing. He gets up in great haste, Nanki-Poo rolls over to his elbows and is loudly insistant.) My good friend, she’ll be a widow in a month, and you can marry her then.

KOKO.(Exasperated.) That’s true, of course. I quite see that. But, dear me! my position during the next month will be most unpleasant—(Oh, does he ever realize how unpleasant!)most unpleasant.

NANKI.(Dusting himself off as he rises) Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it.

KOKO. But—dear me!—well—I agree—(Slowly, thoughtfully, cautiously...)after all, it’s only putting off my wedding for a month. (Suddenly worried.)But you won’t prejudice her against me, will you? You see, I’ve educated her to be my wife; she’s been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now I shouldn’t like her views on that point disturbed.

NANKI.(Very cheerfully.) Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.
(Koko is relieved for a moment, then annoyed by Nanki-Poo’s parting shot. Nanki-Poo cheerfully sticks his tongue out and gives Koko a raspberry.)

FINALE.

(The insert is removed and the lights come up to reveal the palace courtyard again -- but this time, it has been decorated as if for a big celebration. Paper lanterns, banners, and assorted Japanese festival decorations have been hung, and everything seems ready for the wedding and big reception. Among other things, there is a large sign that reads, "CONGRATULATIONS - KOKO AND YUM-YUM.")

Enter Chorus, Pooh-Bah, and Pish-Tush.

(The chorus is already onstage. The chorus of Geisha and Maiko are carrying long, trailing branches of paper flowers, but they are not dancing since they were clearly prepared to do. Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing and peep-Bo are there. The samurai are also there, and all look very serious. Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush and Goto are also there, Goto gesturing to the crowd to indicate that they should all be still and quiet, but they focus their attention upon Koko, who is standing in the center of the stage.)
CHORUS.

With aspect stern
And gloomy stride,
We come to learn
How you decide.

Don’t hesitate
Your choice to name,
A dreadful fate
You’ll suffer all the same.

POOH.(Approaching Koko)To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.

KOKO.(Very pleased) Congratulate me, gentlemen, I’ve found a Volunteer!

ALL.(They cheer loudly.) The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear!

KOKO. (presenting him). ’Tis Nanki-Poo!
(Nanki-Poo bows genially)
ALL.(Everyone bows gartefully) Hail, Nanki-Poo!

KOKO. I think he’ll do?

ALL. Yes, yes, he’ll do!

KOKO.

He yields his life if I’ll Yum-Yum surrender.
Now I adore that girl with passion tender,
And could not yield her with a ready will,
Or her allot,
If I did not
Adore myself with passion tenderer still!
(Koko gestures to the three girls to come down toward him. They come. Nanki-Poo is grinning like a Cheshire Cat.)
Enter Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.

ALL.
Ah, yes!
He loves himself with passion tenderer still!

KOKO. (to Nanki-Poo) Take her—(Taking Yum-Yum’s hand, he sorrowfully leads her toward Nanki-Poo, but is so reluctant to let her go that her hand seems to be “stuck” in his. She pulls to free herself, and Pooh-Bah reaches in to dislodge her. Koko, misunderstanding, snaps, “Not you, silly!” at him, which is a traditional ad lib not in the written text. Nevertheless, in all this Yum-Yum’s hand is passed along to Nanki-Poo.)she’s yours!

[Exit Ko-Ko]
(Actually, he slinks toward the back of the stage and seats himself out of the way, looking terribly dejected--and rejected. Nanki-Poo, on the other hand seizes Yum-Yum around the waist, lifts her up and spins her around joyfully.)

ENSEMBLE.

NANKI. The threatened cloud has passed away,

YUM. And brightly shines the dawning day;

NANKI. What though the night may come too soon,

YUM. There’s yet a month of afternoon!

NANKI-POO, POOH-BAH, YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and PEEP-BO.
Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,

(Celebration breaks out! The girls with the paper blossom branches raise them in a happy dance, reminescaent of the “Miyako Odori” dances of Japan. Paper lanterns start lighting up one by one.)
CHORUS. With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our brief career!

PITTI. A day, a week, a month, a year—

YUM. Or far or near, or far or near,

POOH. Life’s eventime comes much too soon,

PITTI. (Harmlessly provocative)You’ll live at least a honeymoon!

ALL. Then let the throng, etc.

CHORUS. With joyous shout, etc.
(During the above, Pooh-Bah has gestured for a Geisha to bring him a tray with a saki bottle and several small cups. He lifts the nearest cup, sniffs it approvingly, then elaborately postures with it for a toast.)
SOLO—POOH-BAH.
(Grandly) As in a month you’ve got to die,
If Ko-Ko tells us true,
’Twere empty compliment to cry
“Long life to Nanki-Poo!”
But as one month you have to live
As fellow-citizen,
This toast with three times three we’ll give—
(Each of the immediate participants takes a saki cup. The toastings are as drawn out and as pompous as possible, with flowery cadenzas, elaborate runs, deep breaths, and outrageous showiness.) “Long life to you,
(Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing and peep-Bo bow deeply.) long life to you,
(As before, they bow deeply, then turn as if to go back to the party, The last toast, however, is so long that they are clearly getting annoyed. Pitti-Sing gulps down her saki impatiently and walks off.) long life to you
—till then!”

(The ordeal is over, everyone else downs their saki and puts the cups back on the trays. The crowd resumes the celebration at once, and in the background, mostly unnoticed for the last few minutes, Koko suddenly comes to life and jumps up. He has an idea! While the others are dancing, he catches Pooh-Bah’s eye and excitedly waves at him to come with him. Pooh-Bah ignores him until he sees that Koko is shaking a small bag of coins. Pooh-Bah immediately crosses the satge to follow him, and the two disappear.)
[Exit Pooh-Bah.]

CHORUS. May all good fortune prosper you,
May you have health and riches too,
May you succeed in all you do!
Long life to you—till then!
(Dance.)

(A “fireworks” can be heard going off in the distance, and lights flicker down to suggest that the characters and chorus onstage are seeing a display over the heads of the audience. The crowd gathers toward the back of the stage in a cluster--and that is when several women start screaming, running in the opposute direction, and the criowd breaks asied to reveal Katisha and four bodyguards in armor.)
Enter Katisha melodramatically
(Katisha is an impressive figure, no matter how else you can describe her. Her black hair flows very long behind her, and she is wearing an ornate samurai breastplate and arm shields, with a magnificent horned helmet on her head. Silhouetted against the deepened sky, she cuts a towering and formidable figure with a commanding voice. )
KAT. Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you!
(The chorus backs off, puzzled and subdued, maybe even a little frightened.)
CHORUS. Why, who is this whose evil eyes
Rain blight on our festivities?

KAT.(She points an accusing finger at Nanki-Poo, who visibly cowers. Yum-Yum and her sisters gasp in alarm.)
I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo!
(She steps into the light, and she sees Nanki-Poo, trying to slip away with Yum-Yum. He freezes as she addresses him directly.)
Oh, fool! to shun delights that never cloy!

CHORUS. Go, leave thy deadly work undone!

KAT. Come back, oh, shallow fool! come back to joy!

CHORUS. Away, away! ill-favoured one!
(Yum-Yum looks to him for an explanation, and Nanki-Poo anxiously confesses. )
NANKI. (aside to Yum-Yum).
Ah!
’Tis Katisha!
The maid of whom I told you. (About to go.)
(On Nanki-Poo’s second attempt to escape, Katisha runs toward him, arms reaching imploringly...)
KAT. (detaining him).
No!
You shall not go,
These arms shall thus enfold you!
(Nanki-Poo folds his arms and turns his back on her. For an instant she looks crushed, then swiftly becomes very angry.)
SONG—KATISHA.

KAT. (addressing Nanki-Poo).
Oh fool, that fleest
My hallowed joys!
Oh blind, that seest
No equipoise!
Oh rash, that judgest
From half, the whole!
Oh base, that grudgest
Love’s lightest dole!
(Imploring, almost begging.)
Thy heart unbind,
Oh fool, oh blind!
Give me my place,
Oh rash, oh base!

CHORUS.
(Cautiously, they accuse Nanki-Poo of what might be faithlessness.) If she’s thy bride, restore her place,
Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!
(Having now seen Peep-Bo, Pitti-Sing, and especially Yum-Yum, she understands what Nanki-Poo must be thinking. Jealously, she turns on Yum-Yum. But while there is anger in her voice, there is also a note of warning.)
KAT. (addressing Yum-Yum).
Pink cheek, that rulest
Where wisdom serves!
Bright eye, that foolest
Heroic nerves!
Rose lip, that scornest
Lore-laden years!
Smooth tongue, that warnest
Who rightly hears!
Thy doom is nigh.
Pink cheek, bright eye!
Thy knell is rung,
Rose lip, smooth tongue!
(During this, Katuisha has come between Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. Yum-Yum cringes, her face in her hands as if horror-stricken.)
CHORUS.
If true her tale, thy knell is rung,
Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue!

PITTI.
(She is herself very angry. She boldly smacks katisha’s arm with her fan, causing her to turn around. Very brazenly, she stands up for her sister.)
Away, nor prosecute your quest—
From our intention, well expressed,
You cannot turn us!
The state of your connubial views
Towards the person you accuse
Does not concern us!
(And now she is very mischievous.)
For he’s going to marry Yum-Yum—

ALL. Yum-Yum!

PITTI. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb—

ALL. Cumb—cumb!

PITTI. And join our expressions of glee.
On this subject I pray you be dumb—

ALL. Dumb—dumb.

PITTI. You’ll find there are many
Who’ll wed for a penny—
The word for your guidance is “Mum”—

ALL. Mum—mum!

PITTI. There’s lots of good fish in the sea!

ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb, etc.
(Now that the tension is broken, Katisha seems to shrink in size as if knowing she’s on the losing edge. The following solo is actually an aside to the audience, and we briefly see the real Katisha. The lights dim, spotlighting her alone. Off comes the helmet, and she is suddenly sad; a disappointed, wounded, heartbroken women who had hoped to find love. For a moment we feel sorry for her...)
SOLO—KATISHA.
The hour of gladness
Is dead and gone;
In silent sadness
I live alone!
The hope I cherished
All lifeless lies,
And all has perished
Save love, which never dies!
(... but the moment is over, of course. The lights come back up, and we see the angry, jealous Katisha again. She crosses the stage to grab Nanki-Poo’s shoulders and give him a push, delivering a spiteful threat.)
Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue!
In vain for mercy on your knees you’ll sue.
I’ll tear the mask from your disguising!

NANKI. (aside).(Nervously, to Yum-Yum and her sisters.) Now comes the blow!

KAT.(To all who will listen.) Prepare yourselves for news surprising!

NANKI. (aside).(Quailing with fear.) How foil my foe?

KAT.(Looks back at him with relish.) No minstrel he, despite bravado!

YUM. (aside, struck by an idea).Ha! ha! I know!
(Very quickly she whispers something to Peep-Bo and pitti-Sing, and all three of them start a whisper running through the crowd.)
KAT. He is the son of your——

(Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, and Chorus, interrupting, sing Japanese words, to drown her voice.) (The shout is sudden and thunderous. No one other than Yum-Yum and Nanki-Poo know exactly why it is necessary to drown out Katisha’s words, but she’s spoiled the party and upset Nanki-Poo, who is the hero of the hour in Titipu. So they will not listen to the words of a trouble-maker.)
ALL. Oni! bikkuri shakkuri to!

KAT.
(She is clearly startled, but she keeps her cool.)
In vain you interrupt with this tornado!
He is the only son of your——

ALL. Oni! bikkuri shakkuri to!

KAT. I’ll spoil——

ALL. Oni! bikkuri shakkuri to!

KAT.(With mounting frustration.) Your gay gambado! He is the son——

ALL. Oni! bikkuri shakkuri to!

KAT.(Cleverly trying to “sneak” the words in.) Of your——

ALL. Oni! bikkuri shakkuri to!

KAT. The son of your——

ALL. Oni! bikkuri shakkuri to! oya! oya!/font>
(This is finally too much, even for Katisha. She throws up her hands in despair and retreats toward her waiting bodyguards.)
ENSEMBLE.

KAT.
Ye torrents roar! Ye tempests howl!
Your wrath outpour With angry growl!
Do ye your worst,
my vengeance call
Shall rise triumphant over all!
(They no longer care, and are not impressed.)
THE OTHERS.
We’ll hear no more, Ill-omened owl,
To joy we soar, Despite your scowl!
The echoes of our festival
Shall rise triumphant over all!
(Mostly to herself and the audience.)
KAT.
Prepare for woe, Ye haughty lords,
At once I go Mikado-wards,

THE OTHERS.
Away you go, Collect your hordes;
Proclaim your woe In dismal chords

NANKI and YUM.
We do not heed their dismal sound
For joy reigns everywhere around.

ALL except KAT.
(General celebration by all present, except of course, Katisha) The echoes of our festival shall rise triumphant over all!
We do not heed their dismal sound, for joy reigns everywhere around.

KAT.
My wrongs with vengeance shall be crowned! My wrongs with vengeance shall be crowned!

(Katisha rushes furiously up stage, clearing the crowd away right and left, finishing on steps at the back of stage.)
(The full firework display goes off, and can be seen on background projections as well. Freeze image.)
END OF ACT I.

To be Continued...Next Page

Copyright © 2006 Artwork by Daisy Brambletoes, Off-Note Productions and The Jack Point Preservation Society,all rights reserved.