SCENE.—Ko-Ko’s Garden.


(The “garden” is actually a movable inset that features a sturdy tree, a stone lantern, and a red wooden bridge. The courtyard set is still there, and the decorations are still up. It is night, and the lanterns are still lighted, but it is approaching dawn. It has been an all-nighter for most of the characters. One noticable difference is that the decorative sign which one read, “CONGRATULATIONS KOKO AND YUM-YUM”, has had Koko’s name removed and Nanki-Poo’s name pasted over it. During the song, Yum-Yum’s kimono is partially peeled away to reveal another beneath it, a common technique for Geisha dances. She is attended by her fellow Maiko and Geisha. Pitti-Sing seems interested in admiring herself -- and making funny faces -- in a lacquered Japanese mirror, which is on a floor stand, designed to be used by someone seated on the floor.)

Yum-Yum discovered seated at her bridal toilet, surrounded by maidens, who are dressing her hair and painting her face and lips, as she judges of the effect in a mirror.


SOLO—PITTI-SING and CHORUS OF GIRLS.

CHORUS.


Braid the raven hair—
Weave the supple tress—
Deck the maiden fair
In her loveliness—
Paint the pretty face—
Dye the coral lip—
Emphasize the grace
Of her ladyship!
Art and nature, thus allied,
Go to make a pretty bride.

SOLO—PITTI-SING.


(Pitti-Sing lays aside the mirror. Yum-Yum sits on the ground Japanese style. While Pitti-Sing sings, Peep-Bo stands beside her dancing a Maiko’s dance with the use of fans, her expressive long sleeves, dips and other gestures that illustrate the points pitti-Sing is making.)

Sit with downcast eye
Let it brim with dew—
Try if you can cry—
We will do so, too.
When you’re summoned, start
Like a frightened roe—
Flutter, little heart,
Colour, come and go!
Modesty at marriage-tide
Well becomes a pretty bride!

(On the second verse, the girls drape a heavy white wedding robe over Yum-Yum’s kimono, and the finishing touch is to place on her head a Japanese wedding cap. It is white with many decorations. As the song ends, they all file off stage, leaving her alone with her thoughts.)

CHORUS.


Braid the raven hair, etc.

[Exeunt Pitti-Sing, Peep-Bo, and Chorus.]


(Alone with her own thoughts, Yum-Yum is radiently beautiful -- and she knows it! As she holds her mirror, gazing into it, she is clearly in love -- very deepy, very profoundly -- with herself.)

YUM.(With an enormous, heartfelt sign of rapture) Yes, I am indeed beautiful! Sometimes I sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why it is that I am so much more attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Can this be vanity? No! Nature is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.

(She blows her reflected image a kiss before she hugs the mirror and returns it to its stand. The whole of this song is sung while she is seated.)

SONG—YUM-YUM.

The sun, whose rays
Are all ablaze
With ever-living glory,
Does not deny
His majesty—
He scorns to tell a story!
He don’t exclaim,
“I blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent.”
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold,
He glories all effulgent!
I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky—
We really know our worth,
The sun and I!

(During this verse, the sun gradually rises in the “east” until by the time she is finished, it is full dawn, and birds can be heard chirping in the background.)

Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The moon’s Celestial Highness;
There’s not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or shyness:
She borrows light
That, through the night,
Mankind may all acclaim her!
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one, don’t blame her!
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We’re very wide awake,
The moon and I!

Enter Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo.


(They have returned to remove the mirror and makeup kit, but as Yum-Yum talks to them, they smile and bow.)

YUM. (Jubilant - in her refined Japanese way) Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be married to-day to the man I love best and I believe I am the very happiest girl in Japan!

PEEP.(She bows, smiling.) The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection.

YUM.(Still smiling, eyelashes fluttering, but a little nervous. She doesn’t like the direction this is going in.) In “all but” perfection?

PEEP.(Condescendingly - but refined) Well, dear, it can’t be denied that the fact that your husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know.

(Yum-Yum now looks distinctly displease. No matter - the other two have drifted off into their own conversation - quite audible, and quite casual. As she listens, Yum-Yum’s pretty, dainty face slowly twists into a horrid, unlady-like prune, until she bursts loudly into tears.)

PITTI. I don’t know about that. It all depends!

PEEP. At all events, he will find it a drawback.

PITTI. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends!

YUM. (in tears)(She is positively wailing in grief.) I think it very indelicate of you to refer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness is to be—to be—

PEEP. Cut short.(should be said, “Cut short?” in a question. She is oblivious to the effect her words are having.)

YUM. Well, cut short—in a month, can’t you let me forget it? (Weeping.)
(More than simply weeping, she is bawling.)

Enter Nanki-Poo, followed by Pish-Tush and Goto.

(Nanki-Poo is wearing a traditional Japanese wedding outfit--dark grey with white accents, and a black coat. He is also in a very good mood, and has in one hand what looks like an enormous roasted drumstick, and in the other hand, a drink. He is obviously in the mood for a party. His two companions are typically sober, but each of them is carrying a some sort of food or drink, as well. When he notices Yum-Yum, however, he is genuinely taken aback and shoves his munchies into the arms of Goto. He goes to her at once, looking very shocked.)

NANKI. Yum-Yum in tears—and on her wedding morn!

YUM. (She is still blubbering, but she is getting better control of herself. After all, one must be very ladylike in front of the men!) (sobbing). They’ve been reminding me that in a month you’re to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.)

PITTI. Yes, we’ve been reminding her that you’re to be beheaded. (Bursts into tears.)(She turns on the waterworks for the benefit of the same men.)

PEEP. It’s quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.)

NANKI. (aside).(He is not the least bit distressed, and in fact has a very flippant attitude about the whole business. He isn’t the least bit worried.) Humph! Now, some bridegrooms would be depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.) A month? Well, what’s a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purely arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day?

PITTI. (Sarcastic. No tears,)There’s a popular impression to that effect.

NANKI. Then we’ll efface it. We’ll call each second a minute—each minute an hour—each hour a day—and each day a year. At that rate we’ve about thirty years of married happiness before us!(Gives a big, snarking laugh. He obviously thinks he is funny.)

PEEP.(Very sarcastic.) And, at that rate, this interview has already lasted four hours and three-quarters!

(Peep-Bo starts to leave in a huff, but is stopped by Pish-Tush. As before, handsome looks into the eyes of beauty. Seeing only each other, they float gracefully from the stage during the following conversation.)

[Exit Peep-Bo.]


YUM. (still sobbing). Yes. How time flies when one is thoroughly enjoying oneself!

NANKI.(Very cheerful.) That’s the way to look at it! Don’t let’s be downhearted! There’s a silver lining to every cloud.

YUM. Certainly. Let’s—let’s be perfectly happy! (Almost in tears.)

GOTO.(He is a tender-hearted soul.) By all means. Let’s—let’s thoroughly enjoy ourselves.

PITTI. It’s—it’s absurd to cry! (Trying to force a laugh.)

YUM. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.)

(All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.)


(An insert comes in, of a small garden tea house with the makings for a Tea ceremony. Pitti-Sing conducts the ceremony while the others sit and wait. The mood does not improve much.)

MADRIGAL.


YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, NANKI-POO, and GOTO


Brightly dawns our wedding day;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!
Whither, whither art thou fleeting?
Fickle moment, prithee stay!
What though mortal joys be hollow?
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:
Though the tocsin sound, ere long,
Ding dong! Ding dong!
Yet until the shadows fall
Over one and over all,
Sing a merry madrigal—
Fal-la—fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)

Let us dry the ready tear,
Though the hours are surely creeping
Little need for woeful weeping,
Till the sad sundown is near.
All must sip the cup of sorrow—
I to-day and thou to-morrow;
This the close of every song—
Ding dong! Ding dong!
What, though solemn shadows fall,
Sooner, later, over all?
Sing a merry madrigal—
Fal-la—fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)

(Goto and Pitti-Sing leave. She gathers up the mirror while Goto followes her. Nanki-Poo’s munchies have been left behind, and the little teahouse is now a bit of a mess. Nanki-Poo dabs Yum-Yum’s dainty face as they move toward the center stage.)

[Exeunt Pitti-Sing and Pish-Tush.]


(Koko slips in from the direction of the teahouse, observing much of what has been going on for the past few minutes. He has been up all night, and is yawning. He also sees the mess in the teahouse - mostly leavings of Nanki-Poo's - even picks up the half-eaten drumstick with considerable distaste. He also finds one of the small banners where his name has been torn down from the wedding decorations, and this is the last straw. He observes for a moment, then loudly clears his throat to announce his arrival.)

(Nanki-Poo embraces Yum-Yum. Enter Ko-Ko. Nanki-Poo releases Yum-Yum.)


KOKO.(Tossing it off.) Go on—don’t mind me.

NANKI. I’m afraid we’re distressing you.

KOKO. (melodramatically) Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist. (Nanki-Poo does so.) There; let me get used to that first.

YUM. (She is annoyed, and makes good on her threat to be very affectionate.) Oh, wouldn’t you like to retire? It must pain you to see us so affectionate together!

KOKO.(Sarcastically) No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowing her head to rest on your shoulder.

NANKI. Like that? (Snuggles with her.)(He does so. Ko-Ko much affected.)(Koko impatiently removes Nanki-’s chin from Yum-Yum’s shoulder. “Like THAT!” he says firmly.)

KOKO. I am much obliged to you. Now—(Takes a deep breath...)kiss her! (He does so. Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you—it’s simple torture!(He bursts into tears.)

YUM.(She puts a hand on his shoulder.) Come, come, bear up. After all, it’s only for a month.

KOKO.(Sniffling.) No. It’s no use deluding oneself with false hopes.

NANKI. and YUM. What do you mean?

KOKO.(Looks into her eyes with great sorrow.) (to Yum-Yum). My child—my poor child! (Aside.) How shall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was to have been?

YUM. (delighted). Was to have been?

KOKO. Yes, you never can be mine!

NANKI. and YUM. (simultaneously, in ecstacy) What!/I’m so glad!(They literally dance for joy. Koko stares at them open mouthed, and he is genuinely hurt.)

KOKO.(Rather spitefully.)I’ve just ascertained that, by the Mikado’s law, when a married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive.

NANK. and YUM.(Their dancing ctops, they are horrified.) Buried alive!

KOKO.(With deliberate emphasis.) Buried alive. It’s a most unpleasant death.(While their backs are turned, staring at each other in further horror, Koko stifles back a giggle. It is obvious to the audience that he is lying.)

NANKI.(Suspiciously) But whom did you get that from?

KOKO. (Trying to sound innocent.) Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He’s my Solicitor.

YUM. But he may be mistaken!

KOKO.(Very pleased with himself, almost bouncing with glee.) So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney General, the Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary, and the Lord Chancellor. They’re all of the same opinion. Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life!

NANKI.(Puts out a hand to stop him. He knows that Koko is making this up as a last desperate act, but cannot reveal it without revealing himself.) But stop a bit! This law has never been put in force.

KOKO.(Smugly) Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable with decapitation, and married men never flirt.

NANKI.(Annoyed, but he has to play this game through.) Of course, they don’t. I quite forgot that! Well, I suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end!

YUM.(She doesn’t get it, of course, which is what this is all about. But she is at her simpering, coy best as she tries to squirm out.) Darling—I don’t want to appear selfish, and I love you with all my heart—I don’t suppose I shall ever love anybody else half as much—but when I agreed to marry you—my own—I had no idea—pet—that I should have to be buried alive in a month!

NANKI.(Glares at Koko, who grins broadly.) Nor I! It’s the very first I’ve heard of it!

YUM. It—it makes a difference, doesn’t it?

NANKI. It does make a difference, of course.

YUM. You see—burial alive—it’s such a stuffy death!

NANKI. I call it a beast of a death.

YUM. You see my difficulty, don’t you?

NANKI. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I release you, you marry Ko-Ko at once!



(Yum-Yum looks at Koko, then back to Nanki-Poo, as if weighing up which option is preferable. She moans in frustration, desperately torn.)


TRIO.—YUM-YUM, NANKI-POO, and KO-KO.



(This very amusing, cheerful song is indicative of how “seriously” we are supposed to take all of these goings on. The characters dance, gesture, and prance as if they are in a Broadway comedy -- which, in fact, they are -- and it is impossible to believe for one moment that Yum-Yum is in any kind of danger, nor is anyone else going to let on that they know she is being deceived. The number is often given numerous encores, and things often get very silly.)

YUM.
Here’s a how-de-do!
If I marry you,
When your time has come to perish,
Then the maiden whom you cherish
Must be slaughtered, too!
Here’s a how-de-do!

NANKI.
Here’s a pretty mess!
In a month, or less,
I must die without a wedding!
Let the bitter tears I’m shedding
Witness my distress,
Here’s a pretty mess!

KOKO.
Here’s a state of things
To her life she clings!
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn’t seem to suit her notion—
Burial it brings!
Here’s a state of things!

ENSEMBLE


YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO.
With a passion that’s intense
I worship and adore,
But the laws of common sense
We oughtn’t to ignore.
If what he says is true,
’Tis death to marry you!
Here’s a pretty state of things!
Here’s a pretty how-de-do!

KO-KO.
With a passion that’s intense
You worship and adore,
But the laws of common sense
You oughtn’t to ignore.
If what I say is true,
’Tis death to marry you!
Here’s a pretty state of things!
Here’s a pretty how-de-do!

[Exit Yum-Yum.]


(She runs off in exasperation, weeping noisily. Koko thinks he’s on top again.)

KOKO. (going up to Nanki-Poo).(Very smug) My poor boy, I’m really very sorry for you.

NANKI.(Very sarcastic) Thanks, old fellow. I’m sure you are.

KOKO. You see I’m quite helpless.

NANKI. I quite see that.

KOKO.(Filled with glee at his own “cleverness”) I can’t conceive anything more distressing than to have one’s marriage broken off at the last moment.(In Nanki-Poo’s face) But you shan’t be disappointed of a wedding—you shall come to mine.

NANKI. (very calm, very casual.)It’s awfully kind of you, but that’s impossible.

KOKO. Why so?

NANKI.(With an off-hand sigh.) Today I die.

KOKO. (stunned.)What do you mean?

NANKI.(He is almost light-hearted in his resignation.) I can’t live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I perform the Happy Despatch.

(Out comes a dagger--more of a letter-opener, actually--which he draws from its sheath. Koko screams and makes a grab for it. The dagger flies from Nanki-Poo’s hand, and the two of them dive for it. There is a brief scuffle. Pitti-Sing comes in, alarmed at the goings-on. She rushes in to grab the knife and stick it safely into her obi. Koko and Nanki-Poo stare up at her in surprise.)

KOKO. (Hotly) No, no—pardon me—I can’t allow that.

NANKI.(almost laughing.) Why not?

KOKO. (Desperately sputtering as they both get to their feet.)Why, hang it all, you’re under contract to die by the hand of the Public Executioner in a month’s time! If you kill yourself, what’s to become of me? Why, I shall have to be executed in your place!

NANKI.(Folds his arms, grinning) It would certainly seem so!


Enter Pooh-Bah.

>
(Pooh-Bah is out of breath and quite agitated. He seems genuiinely frightened.)

KOKO.(Snaps at him distractedly.) Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?

POOH.(Very upset.) The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, and will be here in ten minutes.

KOKO. (This is the last thing he needed! The Mikado wasn’t expected for a month!) The Mikado! He’s coming to see whether his orders have been carried out! (He looks panicy. Nanki-Poo starts giggling, and Koko turns on him, seizing his kimono with both hands and almost climbing up to his eye level.)(To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know—this is getting serious—a bargain’s a bargain, and you really mustn’t frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner.

NANKI.(Shrugs, smiles blandly.)Very well, then—behead me.

KOKO. (In quiet, cold horror) What, now?

NANK.(Shrugs expansively--then bows low so that his neck is extended for chopping.) Certainly; at once.

POOH.(Pushing Koko, who is frozen with horror.) Chop it off! Chop it off!

KOKO. (He reacts at last, but he is frantic.) My good sir, I don’t go about prepared to execute gentlemen at a moment’s notice. Why, I never even killed a blue-bottle!

POOH.(He is getting angry and insistant.) Still, as Lord High Executioner-—-

KOKO.(Whirls on Pooh-Bah.) My good sir, “as Lord High Executioner’, I’ve got to behead him in a month. I’m not ready yet. I don’t know how it’s done.(There is a pause. Everyone stares at him. He looks scared, but also imploring. ) I’m going to take lessons.(gestures with his hands as if stroking aguinea pig, then “beheads it” with a karate chop of his hand.) I mean to begin with a guinea pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a Second Trombone.(After a quick glance at the “second trombone”, he starts to wilt.) Why, you don’t suppose that, as a humane man, I’d have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn’t thought the duties were purely nominal?(Very meekly.) I can’t kill you—I can’t kill anything! I can’t kill anybody! (Weeps.)(He sinks to the ground in a ball of misery and sobs loudly. Pooh-Bah prods him with his foot, but gets no response other than louder sobs.)

NANKI.(Feels sorry for him - almost.) Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don’t mind, why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done.

KOKO. (springing up suddenly).(The tears turn off instantly. His head shoots up as an idea strikes him.) Must it? I’m not so sure about that!

NANKI. What do you mean?

KOKO. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that you’ve been executed will do just as well?(Pooh-Bah’s ears perk up.) Here are plenty of witnesses—the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral, Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.

NANKI. But where are they?

KOKO. (Points to Pooh-Bah.) There they are. They’ll all swear to it—won’t you? (To Pooh-Bah.)

POOH.(Dryly, looking down his nose, but also rubbing his hands with anticipation.) Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?

KOKO. (Sarcastically) Why not! You’ll be grossly insulted, as usual.

POOH.(Making a bargain.) Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?

KOKO. (Takes a money purse out of his coat and waves it before Pooh-Bah like bait.) It will be a ready-money transaction.

POOH. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline. (Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I’ll endorse it! (Aside.)(Snatches the money bag like a greedy child.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck?

NANKI.(With a profound sigh.) But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum——

KOKO. (The last straw! He’s had more than enough!) Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here, Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah) , go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is. Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy?

YUM. (innocently) Not particularly.

KOKO. You’ve five minutes to spare?

YUM. (She thinks about it for a second) Yes.

KOKO. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu; he’ll marry you at once.

YUM. (Alarmed) But if I’m to be buried alive?

KOKO. (Shakes his head to brush it off. No time for such trivia.) Now, don’t ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and Nanki-Poo will explain all.

NANKI.(Grinning, he is coming back for one more swipe) But one moment—

KOKO. (Firmly.) Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to ascertain whether I’ve obeyed his decree, and if he finds you alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that I’ve beheaded you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by Pooh-Bah.)(Music is coming up in the background as they speak. Pooh-Bah escorts Nanki-Poo and yum-Yum off, and pitti-Sing grabs koko’s arm to remove him, too.) Close thing that, for here he comes!


[Exit Ko-Ko.]


March.—Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha.


Entrance of Mikado and Katisha.


(The procession consists of several guards in elaborate samurai armor. In the background, we see suggestions of a much larger entourage, with imperial banners. This is the climactic scene of the whole story, and should never be anything but spectacular--and funny.)

(“March of the Mikado’s troops.”)


 (This magnificent song should be song with magnificence - not with the ghastly high-pitched, nasal falsetto that is often heard, sung at a clipped pace. Such treatment can completely spoil the moment)

CHORUS.
Miya sama, miya sama,
On n’m-ma no mayé ni
Pira-Pira suru no wa
Nan gia na
Toko tonyaré tonyaré na?

(The song should be sung twice for best effect. Once for the procession, the second time for the arrival of the Mikado. he is in a laquered Japanese carriage, and attendants place a step for him to descend upon. Other attendants veil him with sheer white curtains. As he disembarks, all on stage bow, the attendants drop to one knee. The Mikado walks past the curtains. He is himself spectacular to see. )

DUET—MIKADO and KATISHA.

(The Mikado. Briefly, he is insane. Completely. He has no respect whatsoever for human life and signity, but he is not, however, a raving lunatic. If anything, he is mostly very bland and laid-back, and easily amused, with a kindly smile. he would just as soon go out to lunch with you, play golf, have a few laughs, then chop off your head for desert with a smile on his face,--and wishing you well the whole time. He is probably middle-aged, though he could just as easily be quite elderly- depending on how one whishes to portray him. These are his keynotes.

Katisha. She is dressed in magnificent court robes, her very long hair tied in back like in all those gorgeous old Japanese paintings. She is stern-looking and serious, but probably so is everyone else in this Mikado’s court. She is, however, a woman clearly accustomed to getting what she wants, and even the Mikado seems to respect this. So she is probably a member of the Royal Family, herself. She has been referred to by Nanki-Poo as “elderly”, but she is probably no more than thirty years old - an “old maid” by the standards of her time. Her stern face and sour expression are probably what gives rise to her reputation as “ugly”, yet it is also indicated that her body is beautiful. So what sort of woman do we really have here? Perhaps we shall see.)

MIK.
(Takes center stage, addresses all.)
From every kind of man
Obedience I expect;
I’m the Emperor of Japan ...

KAT.
(She enters on foot, from behind the carriage. She is very imposing, and she thinks nothing of interrupting the Mikado!)
...And I’m his daughter-in-law elect!
He’ll marry his son
(He’s only got one)
To his daughter-in-law elect!

MIK.
(Although the Mikado carries on as if nothing is wrong, Katisha clearly irriates him.)
My morals have been declared
Particularly correct...

KAT.
...But they’re nothing at all, compared
With those of his daughter-in-law elect!
 (To all onstage.)
Bow—Bow—
To his daughter-in-law elect!

ALL.
(They quickly obey.)
Bow—Bow—
To his daughter-in-law elect.

MIK.
In a fatherly kind of way
I govern each tribe and sect,
All cheerfully own my sway...

KAT.
...Except his daughter-in-law elect!
As tough as a bone,
With a will of her own,
Is his daughter-in-law elect!

MIK.
(More insistant.) My nature is love and light—
My freedom from all defect—

KAT.
(Eqwually insistant.) Is insignificant quite,
Compared with his daughter-in-law elect!
Bow—Bow—
To his daughter-in-law elect!

ALL
. Bow—Bow—
To his daughter-in-law elect!

(Two Japanese chairs,-you’ve seen these in samurai films-are set down, and Katish sweeps herself grandly into one as the Mikado takes the full stage.)


SONG—MIKADO and CHORUS.
A more humane Mikado never
Did in Japan exist,
To nobody second,
I’m certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.

My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time—
To let the punishment fit the crime—
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!

All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten till four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud’s waxwork.

The lady who dyes a chemical yellow
Or stains her grey hair puce,
Or pinches her figure,
Is painted with vigour
With permanent walnut juice.
The idiot who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window-panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In Parliamentary trains.
(His smiling demeanor is suddenly broken by a hideously exaggerated guffaw of a laugh. This should be enough to freeze the blood of anyone onstage.)

My object all sublime, etc.

CHORUS.
His object all sublime, etc.

MIK.
The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I’ve enacted,
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs.
The music-hall singer attends a series
Of masses and fugues and “ops”
By Bach, interwoven
With Spohr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops.

The billiard sharp who any one catches,
His doom’s extremely hard—
He’s made to dwell—
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that’s always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue
And elliptical billiard balls!

(Again, the hideous laugh.) My object all sublime, etc.

CHORUS.
His object all sublime, etc.

Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing. All kneel

(The enter this way: Koko enters from the main doorway, wearing his official coat and hat and sword. He looks ridiculous. He takes a step and trips over his sword again, Landing on the ground in an embarassing heap. Pooh-Bah steps out the door behind him and walks right over him. Closely following are Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo, all stepping over poor Koko. Pish-Tush and Goto also emerge, but they stand to the side. Peep-Bo joins them.)

(Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.)(It is a death certificate. Koko is too battered to take it, so Pooh-Bah gives it to Pitti-Sing instead. She reads it eagerly to herself)

KOKO.(Painfully, looking squashed. He slowly rises during this speech.) I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty’s visit—your wishes have been attended to. The execution has taken place.

MIK. (He has been observing in fascination, and brightens at once at this news.) Oh, you’ve had an execution, have you?

KOKO. (bows, then snaps his fingers anxiously for the certificate.)Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.

(Pitti-Sing starts to hand the certificate to him, but Pooh-Bah intercepts her.)

POOH.(Officiously, he takes the certificate from her.) I am the Coroner.(Hands the certificate to Koko, who in turn...) (Ko-Ko hands certificate to Mikado.)

MIK. (Fascinated by these three clowns. He also digs for his reading glasses and studiously puts them on.) And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.) “At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front—”

POOH. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them myself.

MIK.(He smiles approvingly.) Very good house. I wish I’d been in time for the performance.

KOKO.(Encouraged, he gets a little carried away.) A tough fellow he was, too—a man of gigantic strength. His struggles were terrific. It was a remarkable scene.

MIK.(Impressed!) Describe it.


(Koko looks horrified for a moment, then hastily draws Pooh-Bah and Pitti-Sing in for a huddle. Her head pops up once, and while the Mikado waves flirtatiously at her, Koko gently pushes her back into the huddle. They emerge simultaneous.)

TRIO and CHORUS.


KOKO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH and CHORUS.


KOKO.
 (He lays it on thick. The impression he is trying to create, of course, is that he is some fearsome samurai warrior, which is of course a wholly contradictory impression. But he truly believes he can pull this off.)
The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,
In a state of wild alarm—
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown,
I bared my big right arm.
(Mistakenly bares his left arm, and corrects it quickly.)
I seized him by his little pig-tail,
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled,
And gurgled and guggled,
I drew my snickersnee!
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
Or the shriek that shriekèd he,
(Gives a demonstrative shriek.)
As I gnashed my teeth,
When from its sheath
I drew my snickersnee!

CHORUS.
(Koko bows, steps back smiling smugly. He thinks he’s done very well.)
We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales—
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.

PITTI.
 (She comes forward and bows, a little nervously, but plays the whole scene towards the Mikado, who is clearly taken with her.)
He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the stroke he didn’t deserve;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve;
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the sabre true
Cut cleanly through
His cervical vertebrae!
 (Koko taps her shoulder disapprovingly, but she glares back at him and continues.) When a man’s afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see;
And it’s oh, I’m glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me!

 (The Mikado invites her to come sit on his lap, and is quite prepared to do so! It is only a slap on the wrist from katisha’s fan that discourages such stuff.)

CHORUS.
Her terrible tale
You can’t assail,
With truth it quite agrees:
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.

POOH.
(Pooh-Bah saunters forward, bows slightly, and proceeds to brag shamelessly. Koko and Pitti-Sing are appauled, but the Mikado seems delighted. Katisha just looks bored and annoyed.)
Now though you’d have said that head was dead
(For its owner dead was he),
It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred,
And bowed three times to me!
(automatically, Pitti-Sing and koko nod three times.) It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be;
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a man of pedigree!
(The Mikado looks incredibly pleased. If he had a cigar to give Pooh-Bah, he would.) And it’s oh, I vow,
This deathly bow
Was a touching sight to see;
Though trunkless, yet
It couldn’t forget
The deference due to me!

CHORUS.
(Smugly pleased with himself, Pooh-Bah bows deeply. He genuinely believes he has impressed the Mikado, and may even expect to gain some kind of honors for it.) This haughty youth,
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays:
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says!

(They bow deeply and slowly.)

[Exeunt Chorus.]



MIK. (Smiling, he nevertheless-unexpectedly-tosses aside the death certificate as if it is unimportant. Katisha picks it up.) All this is very interesting, and I should like to have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from our Imperial Court.

KOKO. (Genuinely surprised.) Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his position?

KAT.(Archly.) None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry him—yet he fled!

POOH.(Bows unctiously.) I am surprised that he should have fled from one so lovely!

KAT.(Shoots him a wicked glare.) That’s not true.

POOH.(Bows again.) No!

KAT.(She rises from her seat, incensed.) You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened. Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to be sought. My face is unattractive!

POOH. It is.

KAT. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist.(She gives the impression that she just might very well drop her sleeve and reveal a bare shoulder and arm.)

POOH. Allow me!

KAT.(She snatches her arm away and majestically shrugs her loosened robes back into place.) It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the world.

KOKO. (Fascinated) And yet he fled!

MIK. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a Second Trombone.

KOKO, POOH. and PITTI.(All else is instantly forgotten. There is panic in their collective voice.) A Second Trombone!

MIK. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you to produce him? He goes by the name of— (snapping his fingers in Katishas direction, prompting her to help him recollect.)

KAT. Nanki-Poo.

MIK.(Remembering.) Nanki-Poo.

KOKO. (He is very nervous, and not entirely sure what to say now!) It’s quite easy. That is, it’s rather difficult. In point of fact, he’s gone abroad!

MIK.(Hopefully interested.) Gone abroad! His address.

KOKO. (Groping. The reference made perfect sense in 1885, but in modern times requires background detail. Most performances today substitute “Knightsbridge” with some other location that would be funny to the audience.) Knightsbridge!

KAT. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha!(She gives a very loud, shrill scream, and is shaking with horror.)

MIK. (Badly startled, does a double-take.) What’s the matter?

KAT. (She pushes the paper under the Mikado’s nose, forcing him to dig out his eyeglasses again.) See here—his name—Nanki-Poo—beheaded this morning. Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?

(KoKo, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall on their knees.)

 (More accurately, Koko and Pitti-Sing drop to their faces. Pooh-Bah would follow suit, but he is too fat to just drop down. While the Mikado studies the paper and Katisha weeps quietly, Pooh-Bah works his bulk to the ground, and in doing so, knocks over Pitti-Sing, who inadvertantly knocks over Koko. He pushes her back, and she swats him angrily with her fan while Pooh-Bah struggles to right himself. He does so, but bumps the other two again. Koko reaches over her with his foot to kick Pooh-Bah. Pooh-Bah raises up to strike koko with his own fan, but is stopped when he realizes the Mikado is now staring at him.)

MIK. (looking at paper).(Shakes his head, speaking a\in a slow, delibverate, disappointed voice.) Dear, dear, dear! this is very tiresome. (To KoKo.)(With a great sigh.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry out my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of Japan!

KOKO.(If he could shrink into a hole, he would.) I beg to offer an unqualified apology.

POOH. I desire to associate myself with that expression of regret.

PITTI. (With sudden anxiety.) We really hadn’t the least notion—

MIK.(Sympathetically touches her upturned chin.) Of course you hadn’t. How could you?(To Koko) Come, come, my good fellow, don’t distress yourself—it was no fault of yours. If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me to see you take on so.(Spoken as if he considers these three clowns to be boring little insects.) I’ve no doubt he thoroughly deserved all he got. (They rise.)

KOKO. (Much relieved) We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty——

PITTI. Much obliged, your Majesty.

POOH.(Bows deeply) Very much obliged, your Majesty.

MIK. (Almost light-hearted. He may as well be discussing a minor social faux pas.)Obliged? not a bit. Don’t mention it. How could you tell?

POOH.(Emboldened, he acts as if it is all very amusing.) No, of course we couldn’t tell who the gentleman really was.

PITTI. (As if making a joke.)It wasn’t written on his forehead, you know.

KOKO. (And he will make it a joke.)It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but Japanese don’t use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha!

(Many productions update this joke into funnier one-liners. One of the best ones is “He might have had it on his American Express card, but I guess he left home without it.” Whereupon the Mikado bursts out laughing. Koko laughs with him. They all laugh, and then Koko ruins it by whacking the Mikado amiably across the shoulder. The Mikado’s laughter ceases abruptly, and the three partners-in-crime drop to their faces faster than greased lightning!)

MIK. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.

KOKO, POOH, and PITTI. Punishment. (They drop down on their knees again.)(Despite the directions, they are already on their knees--but they groan a loud, long, fearful moan.)

MIK. (With relish) Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy.(They groan) Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in it,(More groans while the Mikado thinks about it.) but I’m not sure.(More groans) I know it’s something humorous, but lingering, with either boiling oil or melted lead.(The kneeling trio drop flat on their faces. The Mikado gives a shudder of anticipation ans stifles a giggle, then smiles blandly at them) Come, come, don’t fret—I’m not a bit angry.

KOKO. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our assurance, we had no idea—

MIK.(Cheerfully, understandingly) Of course—

PITTI. (In a high, squeaky voice.)I knew nothing about it.

POOH. I wasn’t there.

MIK. (He feels their pain.) That’s the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the fool of an Act says “compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.” There’s not a word about a mistake—

KOKO., PITTI., and POOH. No!

MIK. Or not knowing—

KOKO. No!

MIK. Or having no notion—

PITTI. No!

MIK. Or not being there—

POOH. No!

MIK. There should be, of course—

KOKO., PITTI., and POOH.(For a moment they perk up.) Yes!

MIK. (cheerfully) But there isn’t.

KOKO., PITTI., and POOH.(Very disappointed.) Oh!

MIK. (Makes a gesture to indicate an ongoing annoyance with politics.)That’s the slovenly way in which these Acts are always drawn. However, cheer up, it’ll be all right. I’ll have it altered (They look up hopefully for a moment.) next session. (They sink back down gloomily. The Mikado brushes off his hands and changes the subject.) Now, let’s see about your execution—will after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then?

KOKO., PITTI., and POOH.(In sorrowful unison.) Oh, yes—we can wait till then!

MIK.(Good! It’s all settled.) Then we’ll make it after luncheon.

POOH.(Weakly) I don’t want any lunch.

MIK.(Again, he feels their pain.) I’m really very sorry for you all, but it’s an unjust world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.


"GLEE."


PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KOKO, POOH-BAH, and MIKADO,


(The Mikado is principally addressing Katisha in this song while the others sadly respond. Katish is off in her own thoughts, and one of them is obviously disillusionment.)

MIK.
See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy—B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!

KOKO., POOH., and PITTI. Is B more worthy?

KAT.
(She doesn’t look at them. Her thoughts are on Nanki-Poo, who she now seems curiously with.)
I should say
He’s worth a great deal more than A.

ENSEMBLE:
Yet A is happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!

KOKO., POOH., and PITTI.
If I were Fortune—which I’m not—
B should enjoy A’s happy lot,
And A should die in miserie—
That is, assuming I am B.

MIK. and KAT.
But should A perish?

KOKO., POOH., and PITTI.
That should be
(Of course, assuming I am B).
B should be happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched meritorious B!

[Exeunt Mikado and Katisha.]



(The Mikado enters his carriage, which is withdrawn. Katisha leaves the stage. Koko, Pooh-Bah and Pitti-Sing stand alone, and they are not happy campers. A fly curtain descends behind them, giving them a smaller portion of the stage to play in front of.)

KOKO. (Throws up his hands. He speaks this line rather the same way Oliver Hardy might.) Well, a nice mess you’ve got us into, with your nodding head and the deference due to a man of pedigree!

POOH. (Snobbishly defensive) Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.

PITTI. (She turns on him angrily, but she cannot seem to get her tongue around the word “corroborative”. After sputterinmg out severasl attemps, she finally stomps, “oh, Stiddleficks!”)Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative fiddlestick!

KOKO. (to Pitti-Sing) And you’re just as bad as he is with your cock-and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling an air. (He imitates her flirting nonsense with the Mikado, and ends it with the impatient statements...) But that’s so like you! You must put in your oar!

POOH.(Oh yeah?) But how about your big right arm?

PITTI. (Scolding him) Yes, and your snickersnee!

KOKO. (He sadly throws up his hands in surrender.) Well, well, never mind that now.(A sudden realization) There’s only one thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn’t started yet—he must come to life again at once. (Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum prepared for journey.)(They are still in their wedding clothes, and they are carting off not only Nanki-Poo’s musical paraphenalia, but they have looted the palace of anything they could carry away that is not tied down. Koko doesn’t notice.) Here he comes. (He brightly approaches them as if he is offering them a deal.) Here, Nanki-Poo, I’ve good news for you—you’re reprieved.

NANKI. Oh, but it’s too late. I’m a dead man, and I’m off for my honeymoon.(Cheerfully, they start to leave. koko catches his sleeve)

KOKO. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It seems you’re the son of the Mikado.

NANKI. Yes, but that happened some time ago.

KOKO. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is here, and with Katisha!

NANKI.(Suddenly alarmed) My father! And with Katisha!

KOKO. Yes, he wants you particularly.

POOH. (Pointedly) So does she.

YUM. Oh, but he’s married now.

KOKO. (Stunned and puzzled)But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it?

NANKI.(He realizes that he will have to explain, and he does so, condescendingly.) Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can’t marry her because I’m married already—consequently she will insist on my execution, and if I’m executed, my wife will have to be buried alive.

(Nanki-Poo says this with a big smile, and Koko’s own folly smacks him square in the face. He is beaten and he knows it. He visibly slumps.)

YUM. You see our difficulty.

KOKO. (Depressed) Yes. I don’t know what’s to be done.

NANKI.(genially puts an arm around him and makes him an offer he can’t refuse.) There’s one chance for you. If you could persuade Katisha to marry you,(As he says this, Pooh-Bah and Pitti-Sing burst out laughing. Koko jams his fists into his mouth again and starts to hyperventilate) she would have no further claim on me, and in that case I could come to life without any fear of being put to death.

KOKO. (Punctuates each word in a voice of pure horror) I marry Katisha!

YUM.(Smugly) I really think it’s the only course.

KOKO. (Horrified) But, my good girl, have you seen her? She’s something appalling!

PITTI. (Trying to be helpful.) Ah! that’s only her face. She has a left elbow which people come miles to see!

POOH.(Trying to keep from laughing.) I am told that her right heel is much admired by connoisseurs.

KOKO. (In outrage. he is ready to stomp off.)My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady’s right heel.

NANKI.(Koko’s exit is halted by Nanki-Poo, who puts down all his loot.) It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I prefer to be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.(Verty cheerfully, he takes Yum-Yum by the hands and dances with her. )


DUET—NANKI-POO and KOKO.


(With YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.)


NANKI.
The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine--
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine.
And that’s what we mean when we say that a thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring.
Tra la la la la la, etc.

ALL.
Tra la la la, etc.

(They dance, all except Koko, who slumps to a seat, looking distressed. His “tra las” alternate between being spoken in a dry voice or else being sung badly.)

KOKO.
The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case.
I’ve got to take under my wing,
Tra la,
A most unattractive old thing,
Tra la,
With a caricature of a face
And that’s what I mean when I say, or I sing,
“Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring.”
Tra la la la la la, etc.

ALL.
Tra la la la, Tra la la la, etc.


[Dance and exeunt Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, Pooh-Bah, Pitti-Sing, and KoKo.]

 (This popular song is invariably performed at least twice, and each time the directions become more and more comical.)

Enter Katisha.


 (The fly curtain is removed to reveal the garden in all its pristine beauty. The pond and bridge are there, the little teahouse, and in the background more garden.
Kathisha enters, or rather she rushes onto the stage in distress. She has been weeping, and in her hands is an unsheathed Japanese short sword. She has it in mind to end her life - the only serious moment in this play. Standing on the bridge, she stares into the water and wraps the sword in a white cloth. )

RECITATIVE and SONG.—KATISHA.
Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre!
My soul is still my body’s prisoner!
Remote the peace that Death alone can give—
My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!
(She raises the sword toward her chest, but her hands shake and she drops it, weeping.)

SONG.
Hearts do not break!
They sting and ache
For old love’s sake,
But do not die,
Though with each breath
They long for death
As witnesseth
The living I!

Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here,
Where all is drear?
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?

KOKO. (entering and approaching her timidly).(He creeps in during the closing bars of her song, but he looks different. He is wearing a white garment, and is carrying a short sword of his own.) Katisha!

KAT.(She hears his voice, but she does not turn. She smoulders with rage.) The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeance pursues—they are heating the cauldron!

KOKO. (Creeping towards her.) Katisha—behold a suppliant at your feet! Katisha—mercy!

KAT. (She springs up with a cry of bitter rage. he backs away as she approaches him.) Mercy? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! You have slain my love.(Reflectively) He did not love me,(suddenly) but he would have loved me in time.(Draws herself up proudly) I am an acquired taste—only the educated palate can appreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me.(About to cry again, fighting between heartbreak and fury.) Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? It takes years to train a man to love me. Am I to go through the weary round again, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed me of my prey(Catches herself) —I mean my pupil—just as his education was on the point of completion? Oh, where shall I find another?

KOKO. (suddenly, and with great vehemence). Here!—Here!

KAT.(She is thunderstruck) What!!!

KOKO. (with intense passion).(He has in his obi a hand-written speech. he reads it off, and it sounds canned and phony. She is annoyed.) Katisha, “for years I have loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely consuming my very vitals!”(She moves as if to strike him, and he screams, running up into a handy tree. he calls down from the safety of his perch.) Ah, shrink not from me! (She makes a brief effort to grab for him, then backs off and folds her arms.) If there is aught of woman’s mercy in your heart, turn not away from a love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest touch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling the soul within me! But the fire will not be smothered—it defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words that will not be weighed—that cannot be schooled—that should not be too severely criticised.”(He sees the stupidity of all this, and tosses the speech. Enough of this, he gets down to brass tacks.) Katisha, I dare not hope for your love—but I will not live without it! Darling!

KAT. (He reaches toward her, and she pushes him aside.) You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you have so foully wronged!

KOKO. I do—accept my love, or I perish on the spot!(He grabs his short sword and dramatically gestures as if he is about to plunge it into his belly. Katisha cries out in alarm, and the sword slips in his hand, revealing itself to be only a disguised fan!)

KAT.(Somehow the wind has been taken out of her sails, and she seats herself sullenly. She looks very sad.)Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet died of a broken heart!

KOKO. (Suddenly feeling sorry for her) You know not what you say. Listen!


SONG—KOKO.
(He seats himself a short distance away as he sings. To be most effective, it should be sung quite seriously, without clowning.)
On a tree by a river a little tom-tit
Sang “Willow, titwillow, titwillow!”

And I said to him, “Dicky-bird, why do you sit
Singing ‘Willow, titwillow, titwillow’?”
“Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?” I cried,
“Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?”
With a shake of his poor little head, he replied,
“Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!”

He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough,
Singing “Willow, titwillow, titwillow!”
And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,
Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!
He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,
Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave,
And an echo arose from the suicide’s grave—
“Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!”

Now I feel just as sure as I’m sure that my name
Isn’t Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
That ’twas blighted affection that made him exclaim
“Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!”
And if you remain callous and obdurate, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,
“Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!”

(During this song Katisha has been greatly affected, and at the end is almost in tears.)

(They are staring into each other’s eyes, as if seeing each other for the first time. Somehow, she doesn’t look quite as forbidding as she once did.)

KAT. (whimpering). Did he really die of love?

KOKO. (Sniffling) He really did.

KAT. All on account of a cruel little hen?

KOKO. Yes.

KAT. (She weeps.) Poor little chap!

KOKO. (he puts his hand on her shoulder and wipes her eyes.)It’s an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the bird intimately.

KAT. (She is not nearly as tough as she thinks she is) Did you? He must have been very fond of her.

KOKO. His devotion was something extraordinary.

KAT. (still whimpering). Poor little chap! And—and if I refuse you, will you go and do the same?

KOKO. At once.(Stands up as if to jump into the pond - a very shallow one, by the way.)

KAT.(Seizes his sleeve with a cry) No, no—you mustn’t! Anything but that! (Falls on his breast.)(She flings her arms around him, and all but crushes him.) Oh, I’m a silly little goose!

KOKO. (making a wry face). You are!

KAT.(Grabs his arms fiercely)And you won’t hate me because I’m just a little teeny weeny wee bit bloodthirsty, will you?

KOKO. (Laughs nervously. He’s not so sure about this, after all) Hate you? Oh, Katisha! is there not beauty even in bloodthirstiness?

KAT. My idea exactly.


DUET—KATISHA and KOKO.
(This very cute song should full of joy and discovery)

KAT.
There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,
There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,
There is eloquent outpouring
When the lion is a-roaring,
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail!

KOKO.
Yes, I like to see a tiger
From the Congo or the Niger,
And especially when lashing of his tail!

KAT.
Volcanoes have a splendor that is grim,
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
But to him who’s scientific
There’s nothing that’s terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts!

KOKO.
Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It’s a passion for a flight of thunderbolts!

BOTH.
If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It’s evident, very,
Our tastes are one.
Away we’ll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!

KOKO.
There is beauty in extreme old age—
Do you fancy you are elderly enough?
Information I’m requesting
On a subject interesting:
Is a maiden all the better when she’s tough?

KAT.
Throughout this wide dominion
It’s the general opinion
That she’ll last a good deal longer when she’s tough.

KOKO.
Are you old enough to marry, do you think?
Won’t you wait till you are eighty in the shade?
There’s a fascination frantic
In a ruin that’s romantic;
Do you think you are sufficiently decayed?

KAT.
To the matter that you mention
I have given some attention,
And I think I am sufficiently decayed.

BOTH.
If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It’s evident, very,
Our tastes are one!
Away we’ll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!

 (They fall into each other’s arms before Katisha happily leads him offstage. He is still not sure of the situation, however, and isn’t entirely willing to go with her.)

[Exeunt together.]



Flourish. Enter the Mikado, attended by Pish-Tush and Court.


(The Mikado has clearly been enjoying himself, and has been chatting genially with Pish-Tush. Goto is shadowing him as usual, and so is Peep-Bo.)

MIK. Now then, we’ve had a capital lunch, and we’re quite ready. Have all the painful preparations been made?

PISH. (Bowing) Your Majesty, all is prepared.

MIK.(Eager for the afternoon’s entertainment.) Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two well-meaning but misguided accomplices.


Enter KoKo, Katisha, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing.

They throw themselves at the Mikado’s feet.


(Katisha rushes toward the mikado, a softer and less agggressive Katisha, She is clutching Koko by the hand. Koko is disheveled, wobbly, and grinning stupidly.)

KAT. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercy (She hesitates, looks back over her shoulder at Pooh-Bah, then concedes-) even for Pooh-Bah!

MIK. (He doesn’t much like what he is hearing.) I beg your pardon, I don’t think I quite caught that remark.

POOH.(Quickly!) Mercy even for Pooh-Bah.

KAT. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and I have just married this (Wrapping the humble “miserable object” in her arms as she grovels.) miserable object.

MIK. (Somewhat disgruntled) Oh! You’ve not been long about it!

KOKO. (Smiling stupidly, falls over flat on his face.) We were married before the Registrar.

POOH.(anxious to get the credit) I am the Registrar.

MIK.(This is starting to spoil his lunch!) I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the Heir Apparent——


Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel.

(Actually, they bow. They are still in their wedding garb.)

NANKI. The Heir Apparent is not slain.

MIK. (It almost sounds as if the Mikado is a bit disappointed to see him.) Bless my heart, my son!

YUM.(With a sweet little bow...) And your daughter-in-law(...this last line addressed to katisha) elected!

(Koko has been trying to silently back away, but Katisha who at first gasps in horror, then instantly reverts back to her old, nasty self. She grabs Koko by the neck)

KAT.(seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me!

MIK. (Katisha shakes Koko hard.) Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I think he will give it better whole than in pieces.(In disgust, she flings him aside, and stalks past Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum with contempt. Wheezing to catch his breath, Koko staggers to his feet and stumbles toward the mikado.)

KOKO. Your Majesty, it’s like this: It is true that I stated that I had killed Nanki-Poo—

MIK. (Suspiciously).Yes, with most affecting particulars.

POOH. Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimilitude to a bald and—(Pitti-Sing angrily hits him with her fan.)

KOKO. (Shouts Pooh-Bah down.) Will you refrain from putting in your oar? (To Mikado.) It’s like this: When your Majesty says, “Let a thing be done,” it’s as good as done—practically, it is done—because your Majesty’s will is law. Your Majesty says, “Kill a gentleman,” and a gentleman is told off to be killed. Consequently, that gentleman is as good as dead—practically, he is dead—and if he is dead, why not say so?

MIK.(Frankly, the Mikado does not see! It makes no sense. But he can’t appear stupid in front of all these people, can he?) I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory!


FINALE.



(There is a feeling suddenly of great relief. Pitti-Sing dances merrily about the stage, approaching Katisha, who stands aside looking hurt and betrayed.)

PITTI.
For he’s gone and married Yum-Yum—

ALL.
Yum-Yum!

PITTI.
Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb—

ALL.
Cumb—cumb.

PITTI.
And join our expressions of glee!

KOKO.
(He steps in and takes the pouting Katisha by the hand.)
On this subject I pray you be dumb—

ALL.
Dumb—dumb!

KOKO.
Your notions, though many,
Are not worth a penny,
The word for your guidance is “Mum”—

ALL.
Mum—Mum!

KOKO.
You’ve a very good bargain in me.
(Whereupon he takes her in his arms and kisses her. She is at once putty in his hands!)

ALL.
On this subject we pray you be dumb—
Dumb—dumb!
We think you had better succumb—
Cumb—cumb!
You’ll find there are many
Who’ll wed for a penny,
There are lots of good fish in the sea.

NANKI.
(As pretty and perfectly youthful as ever, these two were made for each othe as well.) The threatened cloud has passed away,

YUM.
And brightly shines the dawning day;

NANKI.
What though the night may come too soon,

YUM.
We’ve years and years of afternoon!

ALL.
Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our new career!
Then let the throng, etc.

(During this finale. we have the two newly-wedded couples, We also have Pish-Tush and Peep-Bo, seeing nothing but each other, Pitti-Sing is making a few moves on a very reluctant old Pooh-Bah, and even Goto has been “claimed” by two cute little Maiko. The Mikado remains the Mikado . Everyone is going to live happily ever after, and all is right as right can be.)

END OF ACT II.

CURTAIN



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Copyright © 2006 by Daisy Brambletoes, Off-Note Productions and The Jack Point Preservation Society,all rights reserved.