Sam Gamgee yanked out another weed while mumbling various unkind things about tomato bugs. Any pest in the garden got Sam’s dander up, but there was something about those tomato bugs that got him especially angry...

A small skittering sound captured Sam’s attention. Looking up Sam could see a large spider staring at him with eight little beady eyes. It had to be eight inches from leg tip to leg tip. It’s eight eyes said “Touch me and DIE, meat puppet!” Sam had to summon all his courage to slay the evil thing. Lacking a weapon of any kind he whacked the spider with his gardening sheers. Then the spider didn’t move Sam knew just what he had to do. He ran away, screaming.

Pippin was strolling past Sam’s house singing an old drinking song at the top of his lungs when he heard yelling. “Saa-aaaaa--!” Pippin cried as Sam ran into him. They fell in a tangle of arms and legs. “Sam, what happened?” Pippin gasped out.

Sam took a deep breath before regaining his bearings. “I saw the Itsy Bitsy Mordor Spider!” He exclaimed.

Pippin blinked hard. “The WHAT? The Itsy Bitsy what?” He cried out when Sam grabbed his wrist and yanked him towards the gardens.

Sam stopped suddenly nearly causing Pippin to fall over. “What am I supposed to...oh my...” Pippin gasped as he caught sight of the spider. “It’s big...”

“Yeah...” Sam agreed.

“Really...big...”

“Yeah...”

“How are you going to get rid of it?” Pippin finally asked the frowning Sam.

“My father used to have this homemade recipe for getting rid of garden pests such as spiders. Keep an eye on our spider. Make sure he doesn’t get away. I’ll be right back.”

Several minutes later Sam returned carrying a large pan filled to the brim with a stinking concoction in it. Pippin wrinkled his nose and made a face. “Maybe the smell will drive the spider away.” He swayed slightly. “Sam, I’m getting dizzy. Could you stop the world please? I’d like to get off.”

Ignoring Pippin’s comments, Sam dumped the entire concoction on the spider. Sam felt a bit dizzy himself. He glanced at the spider and gaped. Even the spider seemed to be copping a buzz off the stuff! The spider’s legs gently tapped against the plant seconds before it skittered away. “Pip, I don’t think it...” Sam was cut off by a loud thumping sound of Pippin passing out.

The next day Pippin sat with Sam outside the garden. “I think it’s dead, Sam. We’ve been sitting out here for hours!” Pippin sighed. He frowned when the spider decided to make a cameo appearance.

Sam acted like he was going to stomp on the spider. It ignored him. Sam tried to shoo the spider away. Again, it ignored him.

Pippin grinned as inspiration struck. He darted inside Sam’s hole and seized a very large and very heavy book. He ran back outside and raised the book high. He let it drop on the smug spider and grinned.

“Eww.” Sam groaned as Pippin picked up the book.

“There’s no smug spider anymore.” Pippin said. “It’s an icky smashed spider on the bottom of your book, but it is no longer smug.”

“Where’d you get the idea for using the book?” Sam asked as Pippin cleaned off the spider.

“Oh, I find books can be wonderful things. They’re quite useful for smashing Itsy Bitsy Mordor Spiders. They’re also useful for smashing any other annoying bugs and Ringwraiths.” Pippin said proudly. “But it’s much harder to wipe up and dispose of the Ringwraiths bodies and throw them into a pit. Let’s have an ale to celebrate, Sam!”

End

Iris Baggins