This summary is from the old Studios USA site. It was written from the viewpoint of Jack Stiles:

It all begins with that %^&^!@#%@ bird (who's beginning to have a bit of an attitude, I tell you - talking about sex on the beach and what not...) Anyway, we were told James Madison was coming to town to buy Louisiana from the Frenchies, and that Em and I had to protect him. Next thing you know, we see Croque in a tizzy, cause his brother (the Napoleonic Big Cheese) was coming to town. Though the half pint is obviously a little big for his breeches, he's never going to fill them out. We'd heard he was small, but my golly! Little Cheese then decides he wants to shock America and behead Jimmy, the Red, White and Blue's chief strategist - at which point, naturally, I exited...in the usual graceful fashion. (Amazing those Frenchies never notice that whenever Jack disappears the Dragoon makes his entrance...)

It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it, eh?? Saw a little twinkle in Em's eye, actually, when I rode up (she doesn't know it, but when I wear that mask it gives me some time to sneak a peek...) Yep - no headless Jimmy for the frenchies. Got him out of there - too bad we couldn't get rid of his lifeless stare (a little shell-shocked is all.) Anyway, Little Cheese packed quite a bullet to my shoulder and I fell off my horse. Here's where Em's genius came into play. Just as the little squirt tries to finish me off, she tells him I'm the greatest poker player in the world. The little man couldn't resist the challenge, and the game was on...

Sitting at the table, the half pint started playing with my head. (I swear, those French are either playing with 'em or cutting 'em off...) I think I started to fall under his spell - that is, until I remembered what Emilia told me. She said that if things got hairy, I should imagine him in his underwear. Anyway, that helped break the ice, until my eyes scanned Em in her frillies...(ooh-la-la) Anyway, after regaining my wits, I got Napoleon to raise the stakes with a monstrosity of a ring, and, yes, the deed to Louisiana.

And, naturally, I won hands down, grabbed the booty and jumped out a window. (Saw Em twinkle her eye again...) The next day I gave the deed to Jimmy (even though he hadn't snapped out of his daze) and gave the ring to Emila. (Yeah, no comment from the peanut gallery.) So, good old USA wins a point - that is if Jimmy doesn't fall off his horse on the way home....

Starring: Bruce Campbell (Jack Stiles), Angela Dotchin (Emilia Rothschild), Stuart Devenie (Governor Croque), Stephen Papps (Captain Brogard), Shemp Wooley (The Voice of Jean-Claude)

Guest Stars: Verne Troyer (Napoleon Bonaparte), Patrick Smith (James Madison), Mark Nua (Maxi Me)

Written by Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci
Directed by Charlie Haskell